


[indef hiatus due to health] Let Me Heal, Bit By Bit

by Vampiricalthorns



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: (he needs to let go sometimes but he's a bit hung up on the 'im the oldest' business), Additional Warnings In Author's Note, Age Regression/De-Aging, Crying, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Intrusive Thoughts, Multi, Non-Sexual Age Play, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Stress, literally it's just everybody being close but cheollie and shua are the main established caregivers, little!Jeonghan
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-03-24
Updated: 2020-08-23
Packaged: 2021-02-28 19:34:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 20,866
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23292532
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Vampiricalthorns/pseuds/Vampiricalthorns
Summary: Some additional warnings:some mentioning of unintentional self-harm from not being aware of someone's own actions, intrusive thought featuring blood and cuts, some mentioning of the heavy hopelessness often featured with depression.Please do not read if this upsets you. It will lighten up in later chapters.I haven't written anything in ages so naturally, my comeback is angst and fluff. As always. I wrote this while pretty heavily drugged on melatonin to help me sleep and I was feeling a bit off (this entire corona situation is ... interesting). The basic premise of this verse is that Jeonghan needs to let go and does that in the form of age regression of some kind. Both Seungcheol and Jisoo are aware of this. Recently, Jeonghan has tried to hold himself back from it, which is only hurting him more.That's it, mostly.Oh yeah, I take requests for chapters. PLEASE. (really,please)20200415: some spelling mistakes fixed
Relationships: Choi Seungcheol | S.Coups/Hong Jisoo | Joshua/Yoon Jeonghan, OT13
Comments: 74
Kudos: 134





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> **Some additional warnings:** some mentioning of unintentional self-harm from not being aware of someone's own actions, intrusive thought featuring blood and cuts, some mentioning of the heavy hopelessness often featured with depression.
> 
> Please do not read if this upsets you. It will lighten up in later chapters.
> 
> I haven't written anything in ages so naturally, my comeback is angst and fluff. As always. I wrote this while pretty heavily drugged on melatonin to help me sleep and I was feeling a bit off (this entire corona situation is ... interesting). The basic premise of this verse is that Jeonghan needs to let go and does that in the form of age regression of some kind. Both Seungcheol and Jisoo are aware of this. Recently, Jeonghan has tried to hold himself back from it, which is only hurting him more.
> 
> That's it, mostly.
> 
> Oh yeah, I take requests for chapters. PLEASE. (really, _please_ )
> 
> 20200415: some spelling mistakes fixed

Jeonghan is tired. His limbs feel heavy and there’s a headache growing right behind his eyes. While they don’t have a schedule today — no meetings, no radio shows, no practice — nothing, Jeonghan knows he should still be getting out of bed at a decent time to maintain their carefully constructed wake-up routine thingy. When they have a day off, it always ends up with going to bed early to catch up on sleep rather than to have a lay-in.

Jeonghan knows he should get up, knows he should be one of the responsible ones. He’s the second oldest after all, and with age comes both responsibilities and expectations.

But it feels like someone overnight has buckled him down, attached heavy lead weights to his ankles and wrists. There’s pressure beating down on his throat; not enough to inconvenience his breathing, but it’s there. Pressing. Restraining.

It’s a chilly morning, Jeonghan realises vaguely. He must have kicked off his blanket in the middle of the night because it’s only covering his right leg. It’s cold. But the will to pull the blankets over him to restore some warmth is swept away with the strangling numbness surrounding him like a personal atmosphere.

It doesn’t know how long he lays there for; doesn’t matter a lot to him, really. All there is to his existence right now is a heavy silence and the discomfort in his chest that comes from needing to cry but having nothing to cry about.

Nobody is looking for him yet, wondering why he isn’t up and laughing and joking around with them.

He doesn’t know why they would even expect them to worry about him. He’s one of the hyungs, one of the oldest, and besides, Seventeen’s resident sloth.

The discomfort in his chest grows, and with what seems like the time of an ice age passing, Jeonghan manages to lift a hand to press against his chest. It’s a futile attempt at comfort; a waste of energy Jeonghan cannot afford to spend right now.

The pain doesn’t go wavy. It’s an ugly little thing, a spiky ball of negativity spreading in the cavity between his organs. The moon-shaped scars in the palms of his hand tingle all of a sudden. The ball grows, envelops his lungs, makes thorns of discomfort bury their way deep into the tissue.

The panic that sets within him is silent, all-encompassing. Jeonghan draws his legs up to his chest, pulls them away from the blanket that’s suddenly trapping, which slides to the floor with a soft sound that doesn’t reach his ears.

He doesn’t panic openly like Chan does. Doesn’t act out.

All the panic, all the pain, all the powerlessness is internalised, sparking between every atom of Jeonghan’s being, down to the very scraps of what makes him who he is.

He wants control, he doesn’t want control. He craves to let go of the control he has, yet wants to clutch it close to his chest. He wants to be someone else entirely for a moment, yet his biggest fear is the unknown and unpredictable.

A sharp pain distracts him from the whirlwind of thoughts occupying his mind. He doesn’t need to look down to be aware of the red scratches across his arm, accompanied with the warm itch on his cheeks revealing that he’s crying.

Alone.

Lonely.

Jeonghan doesn’t want to be alone.

He doesn’t feel like he should be alone.

Safety.

He needs to find safety.

The image of him in the clothes he’s wearing laying on the tiled bathroom floor, an ever-expanding blood pool appearing from the strategically placed cuts covering his arms flashes in his mind.

He’s no longer safe at the mercy of his own imagination.

Jeonghan is out of the bed in an instant, unruly hair covering up tear-tracked cheeks and red-stained eyes.

Seungcheol.

Jisoo.

Anyone.

Just anyone who can provide him with the safety he craves; someone to lead him along; someone he can give away his control to without feeling like he’s falling. Someone to hold him close and pet his hair and let him slip away into that space where the bad thoughts can’t reach him as easily; where everything seems easy and soft and gentle and possible.

Where he doesn’t feel alone and strangled anymore.

Seungcheol.

Jisoo.

They know. He’s told them, he’s sure.

His mind is fuzzy.

He just needs to find them before it’s too late and he’s slipping further and further.

Moments are blurring together into one unintelligible mess.

Jeonghan doesn’t know how he ended up standing aimlessly in the living room, no longer trying to restrain choked sobs.

All movement around him seems to stop and through the whirling fog clouding his senses, he hears Seokmin’s voice let out a quiet and worried, “Jeonghan-hyung?”

“Someone get Seungcheol-hyung and Jisoo-hyung,” another voice calls but Jeonghan’s too far gone to discern who the voice belongs to. His knees buckle, but Jeonghan barely feels the impact as his knees hit the floor in the front of the couch.

There’s a stampede of footsteps coming towards him and Jeonghan cowers, curls in on himself.

Somebody sits down next to him and Jeonghan feels apprehensive.

He hopes it’s Jisoo. Hopes it’s his Joshuji. His— the words, the names, everything is blurring together in his mind and the name he wants to speak suddenly seems muddled and thick and unintelligible.

“Oh baby,” somebody murmurs next to him. “You’ve really gone too far this time. You really need it, don’t you?”

The voice is familiar. It’s comforting, a solid lilt of a voice.

Safety.

Someone else sits down on the other side of him.

Something touches his hand and gently rubs a thumb over his palms, brushes over the moon-shaped scars. They tingle again.

The last vestiges of his apprehension drain away and the tears start again with full force.

“Shuji, Shuji,” Jeonghan cries helplessly, burying his face into Jisoo’s sweater, holding him close. A hand curls around his shoulder and then someone is hugging both him and Jisoo and Jeonghan finally feels calmer, finally has the two people who he can let go next to.

He’s no longer aware of the other people in the room, staring at their hyungs curling up together on the living room floor, one of them crying their eyes out while brokenly whispering the names of the two others.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Should be mentioned that I uh, did, uh, not reread this.
> 
> I'm tired...

“What on earth is going on?” Jihoon asks as he crouches down next to Seunghceol, who is still caught up hugging both Jisoo and Jeonghan. 

“Tell you later,” Seungcheol whispers back. “Can you grab someone to help you carry some stuff for us? We’d planned to talk to Jeonghan today but as you can see, he already dropped.”

“What do you mean ‘dropped’?” Jihoon asks. He’s not one to usually ask questions, but this is a very unusual situation. While he’s not a stranger to drama, being a k-pop idol and part of a 13-member-group with their fair share of drama queens, this is something he hasn’t encountered so far.

“I said I’d tell you later,” Seungcheol says with a bit more force behind the words, but the tone is clear to Jihoon as one of concern and not one of anger. “Please, just help us out here.”

Jihoon stares for a moment but then waves Seokmin over to them. He too looks just as concerned and worried and, frankly, confused, as Jihoon feels. He definitely needs some coffee after this.

Jisoo looks up, not for a moment letting up the rhythmic patting of Jeonghan’s head. The gentle movement is broken up by Jeonghan’s occasional sobs, hiccups and what sounds to be a very bad mash-up of Seungcheol and Jisoo’s names. “Can one of you grab Jeonghan’s bedsheets from his room? I doubt we can move him from the living room while he’s like this. Also, from the first drawer under his bed, the bunny plushie and the grey blanket with white polka dots. The blanket is heavy, but I’m sure you’ll manage. Thank you.”

“Sure,” Jihoon says uncertainly as he stands again, making his movements careful and slow even though Jeonghan has his head buried so far into Jisoo’s neck it’s doubtful he’ll see anything but colourful spots when his face eventually emerges. “Anything else we can grab on our way?”

Seungcheol leans over and gently examines Jeonghan’s arms which still carry faint moon-shaped marks and some red swollen scratches. “Cold water or some disinfectant and salve so that we can calm that down. It doesn’t look too horrible but when he comes to properly he’ll notice the sting, I’m sure.”

Jihoon nods and leaves the common space in the direction of Jeonghan’s single room, Seokmin trailing uncertainly after him.

“What do you think happened, hyung?” Seokmin asks when they’re in Jeonghan’s room folding up the blanket on the bed (which had taken up the temporary residence on the floor next to the bed) and opening the drawer Jisoo had specified. 

“Oh,” Jihoon says, peering down into the drawer. It’s not full, is clean like the rest of the room, but the contents are not what he expected to find in Jeonghan’s room. Sure, the blanket is to be expected from their sleep-loving member, and maybe the bunny plushie Jisoo had talked about had been a gift from a fan or a souvenir from somewhere they’d been on tour or even something he had brought from home to remind himself of his homeplace. The rest of the contents, however, looks like one of the drawers they’d had at the daycare Jihoon had been at when he was little. 

“Oh,” Seokmin echoes. “That’s the blanket and plushie we were asked to bring back?”

“Looks like it,” Jihoon mumbles, picking the blanket up, frowning when the actual weight of it doesn’t match its pacified, soft appearance. “Oh, that’s actually really smart. It’s a weighted blanket; I heard they’re helpful for insomnia and anxiety and stuff like that.”

“Sure,” Seokmin says and Jihoon doesn’t need to look at him to know he’s feeling a little bit shellshocked and definitely a lot too tired and a lot too coffee-deprived to appropriately process the morning’s event. 

“I hope some of the others have made some coffee. This is too much for a day off,” Jihoon grumbles, blanket in his arm, bunny plushie on top of it and a mostly quiet Seokmin trailing behind him carrying the normal blanket and pillow.

Jeonghan has thankfully calmed down a bit while they were gone and the members have shuffled away to different parts of the apartment; there’s the sound of a shower or two running, something being fried in the kitchen and— 

“Thank fu— frick,” Jihoon mutters, quickly censoring himself just in case Jeonghan is coherent enough to pick up on his words. The smell of coffee is drifting from the kitchen, restoring some of Jihoon’s mangled faith in humanity. 

“We got the stuff,” Jihoon says, dumping it on the couch. “I’ll go get some salve for his arms, be right back.”

He leaves the room as quickly as he had entered it, going through the motions of wetting a hand towel with cold water and finding the salve they use for minor injuries and scrapes in the cupboard. He takes a moment to survey himself in the mirror, seeing the worn expression already present on his face; the one that doesn’t usually show up before he’s been working for a good six hours straight with nothing but coke and maybe a sandwich to fuel him.

Maybe he should take a day off.

Maybe he should figure out what’s up with his hyung, eat and go back to sleep again. 

He silently gives the cloth and the cream to Seungcheol before resuming his original before-the-entire-Jeonghan-thing goal for the morning: coffee.

“Here you go, hyung,” Seokmin says, handing him his mug the moment he steps into the kitchen. They all have a double set of specific mugs. Some of them are possessive and some of them are chronic mug-muggers. 

Jihoon snorts into his coffee, making Seokmin raise an eyebrow at him.

“Junhui’s a mug-mugger,” he says by way of explanation, grabbing an apple from the bowl, rinsing it in the sink before he leaves to go back to the living room. Jeonghan seems to have dipped back into reality in the minute he’s been gone. He’s sitting on his own now, clutching the bunny plushie and suckling on a knuckle as Joshua talks gently to him, Seungcheol making up a make-shift bed in front of the television. 

Seungcheol spots him and waves him over, bending down to mutter something to Jeonghan. He waits until he gets a reply in the form of a nod from Jeonghan. Then he shuffles over to Jihoon, gesturing in the direction of Jihoon and Mingyu’s bedroom. “Talk?”

Jihoon nods. He’s more than ready to figure out what’s going on and ready to help. He has coffee, he has something to eat, he can do mostly everything now.

“What’s… what’s going on with Jeonghan-hyung?” Jihoon asks, kicking the door shut, turning on Seungcheol. “He’s usually so— strong? Reliable? Not-breaking-down-crying-calling-out-for-the-two-of-you?”

“He’s got his struggles like all of us,” Seungcheol says vaguely before running a hand through what is still basically a bedhead. He sighs and continues, “Jeonghan gets stressed and tired sometimes. He has a lot of aches; his body doesn’t cope perfectly with the idol lifestyle sometimes. To deal with the overload of physical strain and mental stress, he sometimes falls into this sort of headspace. Jisoo researched it a bit more since of course there are more resources for just about anything in English than there is in Korean.”

“And?”

“Basically, Jeonghan is something called a ‘little’ or he falls into a ‘little’ headspace,” Seungcheol says. One of the words are clearly English and while Jihoon doesn’t know English well, he knows just enough to know that Seungcheol has butchered the pronunciation of the word. 

“A … ‘little’,” Jihoon repeats. He gets Seungcheol’s struggle; the word is clunky on his tongue and the syllables don’t quite flow in the same way Korean does. “You have to explain that one to me, hyung.”

Seungcheol runs his hand through his hair again, likely in an attempt to tame the mess, but only poking the monster hiding within the dark strands more.

“He— I guess Jisoo explained that it’s like Jeonghan mentally moves into a younger age’s mind. So while of course Hannie’s body is still twenty-six, his mind goes to a younger age. It’s a way to cope with stress. Younger age, less responsibility or something.” 

Seungcheol sighs and holds his hand out for Jihoon’s coffee mug. He gets it, takes a sip and hands it back. “He’s been repressing it lately because he’s ashamed of it, ashamed of needing it and all that, but also because we’ve all been busy and stressed and he didn’t want to bother us more since we were all struggling.”

His hyung laughs hoarsely, without an inkling of humour behind it. “And then this happens; he cracks at the seams and breaks down. We’ll have to call him in sick for the next few days. Jeonghan is aware of the consequences but seems to never remember until afterwards. He won’t remember much of this, I’m afraid because this time it was less of his choice and more of his body forcing him into it to avoid collapsing under the accumulating stress.”

Jihoon swears softly under his breath. “Shit. Can— I’m not the best with people but, uh, can I— do anything?”

Seungcheol smiles wearily. “Come back with me to find Shua and we’ll see. Maybe Jeonghan will latch onto you and cheer up while we try to organise for this entire thing. It’s a bit of a mess everything. Stuff needs to be dug up from storage and cleaned and— well, usually we keep it hidden pretty well under the guise of him having a migraine, but this time— I suppose it’s time to tell the members.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> please leave me a message telling me what you'd like to see! me and my plushies thrive off of requests and kudos.
> 
> stay safe and remember to wash your hands and stay 1-2 metres away from other people in public. wear a mask if you have access to them and if your health authorities recommend it (i'd say do it anyway, but I'm not a medical professional.)


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let it be known to the world that I wrote this listening exclusively to Fallin' Flower (舞い落ちる花びら) and Our Dawn is Hotter Than Day (우리의 새벽은 낮보다 뜨겁다). I don't know if it shows but this chapter should be more fluffy than the other two. Jihoonie is so worried I love him ahaha. 
> 
> WARNINGS: there are mentions of self-harm that has occurred in previous chapters. no actual self-harm happens on screen.

“Cheollie!” 

Jihoon clutches his mug to his chest to avoid spilling it as Jeonghan races up from his place on the rug in front of the television to hold onto Seungcheol. 

Seungcheol smiles and ruffles Jeonghan’s hair. “Hi there, little one. You calm now? Did Jisoo help you?”

“Shua helped lots!” Jeonghan says with all the determination of a four-year-old and Jihoon is strongly reminded of his childhood friend’s little sister claiming she could climb the trees like them even though her short arms could barely reach the first branch of the tree in question. She had tried and failed, but without losing the determination that had shone in her eyes after her statement. 

“He blew on my ouchies and gave me Jiji and I played with his hair to make ‘im look all pretty!” 

Jihoon looks over and snorts. Jisoo’s pretty alright, with hair in every direction and a bedhead enough to rival the rest of Seventeen together. He’s smiling though, so Jihoon reckons it’d been okay. 

Jihoon drops down on the floor next to Jisoo as Jeonghan continues to hold onto the bunny plushie (whom he guesses is called ‘Jiji’) and Seungcheol, telling him in soft and childish Korean about ‘how nice Shua is and that Shua promised that he could watch cartoons later’.

“He’s really gone,” Jihoon says. It’s hit him now that Jeonghan, while obviously being a grownup, legal adult, is far gone from his usual mindset. That he’s gone into something smaller, where everything is more black and white and less serious. Even his mannerisms and voice have changed.

“It took a bit to coax him to properly let go. That’s why he was crying and distant for a bit. Had to battle it out internally to decide if it was okay to regress in the way he did.” Jisoo sighs and leans back towards the couch, yawning. “Did Cheollie explain to you?”

“Yeah.”

“Good. We don’t know too much, but luckily we figured out enough to do it properly and safely so that we don’t hurt Hannie or get hurt. There’s a lot of vulnerability in this, you understand. Not being on the same page can do a whole world of bad, and especially Jeonghan … I can imagine he wouldn’t cope too well if, say, we neglected him by accident.”

Jisoo pauses and Jihoon has the strange urge to rub his hand over Jisoo’s back to smooth out the tension, which is an interesting idea considering he’s not the most touchy person out of them. “Neglected him?”   
  


“Yeah. He  _ is  _ a child in this headspace of his and we need to treat him accordingly. The way you can neglect a child is the same ways for neglecting him in this headspace. It’s not really ‘play’ as much as it really is a state of being. Right now, Jeonghan  _ is  _ a child and we have to treat him as such.”

Jisoo’s eyes spread wide for a moment. “Not that we mean that he should be infantilised or demeaned or respected less or anything! What— what I mean is that you wouldn’t let a four-year-old drive or anything. So in this headspace, Jeonghan  _ shouldn’t  _ drive.”

“I … think I understand,” Jihoon says slowly, looking down and only now realising he’s drained his coffee cup. Eh, he’ll go refill it again.

“Would it be too much to ask you to look after him? Cheollie has a small box of supplies for Jeonghan and some of them need to be washed down because they’ve been stowed away for a while since Hannie’s been repressing this headspace for a while and we didn’t want to interfere too much. It’s mostly his decision when he wants to drop and not.”

He assesses the pros and cons. Pros: he’ll help out his hyungs and they can help out Jeonghan in turn. Con: what Jisoo had said about neglect  _ had  _ made an impact on him. What if  _ he  _ neglects Jeonghan and then Jeonghan gets upset? He’s a little socially stunted at the best of times with civilised adults that understand that social interaction is freaking complicated and nice enough to not take his crass personality personally. 

A four-year-old wouldn’t understand a social misstep like Jihoon has a reputation for making. He could, by Jisoo’s explanation, seriously mess Jeonghan over.

He doesn’t want that.

“You want me, probably the  _ meanest  _ and least-likely-to-be-good-with-children to look after Jeonghan-hyung?” Jihoon says disbelievingly.

Even to his own ears, it sounds strange.

  
“Hannie likes you,” Jisoo reassures. “And it’ll only be like fifteen minutes. We’ll be as quick as possible. We’ll try to get some food in him and then see if we can get him to surface after a nap so that we can, y’know, talk to the rest of the members.” 

“Fine,” Jihoon says and stands, intent on trying his best. While Jisoo is as sweet as one can be, he’s damn scary when disappointed or mad. 

He whirls around, halfway between Jisoo and Seungcheol. “He’s— uh,  _ mindset _ . Uh. Doesn’t it feel weird to refer to him with honorifics if he’s like this or should— I know it’s a problem  _ you  _ wouldn’t encounter since you’re the same age but.”

“Oh!” Seungcheol says from behind him. “Let’s check out Jeonghannie’s reaction.”

He bends to Jeonghannie, who has now resorted to playing with the bunny’s ears. “Hey, precious, who’s that?” 

“Hoonie-hyung,” Jeonghan mumbles absentmindedly, occupied with the texture of the bunny’s fur. “He’s nice.”

Jihoon swears his heart grows about three sizes and for a moment feels like the Grinch, a brief moment of pain flashing through his chest. Well, that settles it. He puts on his nicest, gentle smile and approaches Jeonghan.

“Hi there,” he says gently. “Hyungs have to go do something. You wanna hang out with me in the meantime?”

Jeonghan looks up and nods. “Yeah! Shua-hyung promised me cartoons. You wanna watch cartoons?”

“Sure, we can watch cartoons,” Jihoon says. “Do you think there are any on TV right now or should we see if there’s anything on YouTube?”

“Mmm, YouTube,” Jeonghan says, carrying the bunny plushie by the ears as he makes his way over to plop down on the couch. “I’ve seen stuff there before… before—”

“Before?” Jihoon prods gently, sitting down next to him, not close enough for it to be uncomfortable, but close enough if Jeonghan is the kind of child heavily depending on physical affection to thrive. For some reason, Jihoon suspects Jeonghan is a mix of the two, turbulent as a tornado and ever-switching in his mood and mannerisms. Not unlike his adult self

“Before I told Shua,” Jeonghan says, making grabby hands towards Jihoon’s phone. “Used to watch ‘em when everyone was sleeping.”

“Alright, you’re an expert then!” Jihoon says, holding up the search screen. “What do you wanna watch?”

Together, they manage to spell out the name of a show Jisoo had introduced Jeonghan to, an American children’s show he had watched when he was younger and Jeonghan points to an episode. Jihoon clicks on it and hands the phone over to Jeonghan, who watches intently, clutching onto Jiji, one of his hands inching up towards his mouth until eventually, about five minutes into the episode, a knuckle makes its way into Jeonghan’s mouth to be sucked on. 

“Hannie-ya,” Jihoon tries, wanting to interfere. He guesses Jeonghan has some rules with Jisoo about what is okay and not okay to do, but if he has any say about it he’s not about to let Jeonghan stuff his fingers in his mouth without at least washing them first. “You shouldn’t have your dirty fingers in your mouth. Do you wanna go wash them?”

“Nuh-uh,” Jeonghan mumbles, not making a move to remove the knuckle from his mouth as he keeps his eyes firmly trained on the phone screen.

Jihoon sighs, but lets it be. It’ll be his hyungs’ responsibility in a moment, anyway. He closes his eyes and sighs.

* * *

“Been a while since we’ve needed this stuff,” Seungcheol sighs, pulling out the small box from the storage unit underneath his bed. There’s barely anything in there — a sippy cup or two plus some childish plates and cutlery. Somewhere under a few picture books Seungcheol had brought back last time he’d been home are a pair of children-sized Hello Kitty chopsticks Jisoo had picked up on a whim last time they had been in Japan. Although, he hadn’t known they would become more than a small memory keepsake at that time. 

“Yeah,” Jisoo says. He lets Seunghceol carry the box into the kitchen and put it down on the counter. The dorm is quiet, but it isn’t until he sees the note in bright red ink stuck to the fridge:

_ Yo! Took the rest of the group to the practice room to get their mind off things and give you some peace. Take care of hyung! I want an explanation when we’re back later. Fighting! _

It’s signed with Soonyoung’s typical tiger doodle and Jisoo smiles. They’re good at knowing what others need and what they need right now to get Jeonghan back on track (with the additional help of Jihoon apparently, considering how Jihoon and little Jeonghan had gotten along like a house on fire, something Jisoo ... hadn’t actually expected).

“I’m glad our dongsaengs are so considerate. I didn’t expect them to  _ not  _ accept this or at least say anything too negative that might prevent Jeonghan from slipping again and hurting him more in the end. “We do have a lot of good people.” 

“Mhm,” Seungcheol agrees, picking up the matching dinosaur-themed plate and bowl they’d gotten online. They’ haven’t gotten too many chances of using them due to having to keep this secret but now that the cat is out of the bag— 

Jisoo smiles softly as images of Jeonghan sitting on the couch in a soft onesie eating food from childish plates and with the Hello Kitty chopsticks and maybe somebody helping him out with the food…

But the thought that he had found his little crying on the floor with scratches up and down his arm crying his eyes out calling out half deliriously for his caregivers…

“Do—” the words feel heavy on his tongue and Jisoo doesn’t notice that his hand has lost all its strength before the chopsticks he’d been about to hand to Seungcheol clatters onto the counter. “Are you worried that he might try to hurt himself again?”

Seungcheol sighs and he looks too old, despite holding a smiling dinosaur bowl under the hot stream of water. 

“I don’t know,” he says honestly. “I think— maybe from now it might get easier, but I wouldn’t be surprised if we get a setback or two. It’s a major thing for Jeonghan, a very  _ real  _ thing for Jeonghan and it could have serious consequences if we mess it up in some way.”

Jisoo doesn’t say anything, but he agrees. “I’ll make some food for us and Hannie,” he says, walking over to the fridge to gather some stuff. “I think it’s time we all get some food in us.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i've gotten so much nice attention on this. thank you! I'll make sure to write lots!
> 
> stay safe! stay 2 metres / 6 feet from everyone and wear a mask in public!


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I get all the soft from writing this.
> 
> Ngl, I legit woke up a few nights ago at like four am and wrote ~200 words of this so if one section doesn't make all that much sense, that's probably why.
> 
> I did read through this but I'm really busy with my History IA and EE right now to prioritise proper editing + I don't have a beta in this fandom so some parts may be a little ick

"We're back!" Soonyoung calls out as a flurry of footsteps patter in through the door before eventually, their front door slams closed.

They've managed to calm down Jeonghan fully over the course of the day and after a sponge bath, some lunch and dinner (which had been a less than amazing experience considering Jeonghan’s dwindling dexterity and hypermobile fingers leaving him struggling to grasp the hello kitty chopsticks) and a nap on the living room floor, the latter of which had not only knocked out Jeonghan but also Jihoon. 

“Shh, you’ll wake them up,” Jisoo whispered, pointing to the living room bed where Jihoon and Jeonghan were still curled up, napping. At some point, Jeonghan had pulled his thumb up to suck on it and Jisoo has half a mind to ask Seungcheol if they should consider ordering some adult-sized pacifiers for Jeonghan. 

They’d known from the start that Jeonghan had always tried to make himself seem older and more independent, as to not demand so much attention that he would exhaust them completely and to not get noticed by the rest of their members. Maybe now he can truly let go and be fully comfortable with himself.

He’s been in the space for a mere six hours by now, but Jisoo has never seen him so at ease and acting so little, slurring his words and referring to them as hyung. That’s something Jeonghan hadn’t been able to do before; hadn’t been able to let himself go enough to fall away and let his concerns melt into nothingness. 

Jisoo wonders what Jeonghan’s  _ actual  _ headspace age is. A hunch tells him it isn’t above six, where he before had forced himself to be.

Seungcheol is already over by the bed, sippy cup in hand as he gently pulls out Jeonghan’s thumb to start waking him up. The commotion had woken Jihoon, who’s sitting up looking around, trying to blink himself awake. They hadn’t been sleeping for too long, so Jisoo doesn’t think it’ll take too long for him to be ready for the member meeting.

“You should all go shower if you’ve been practising all day,” Jisoo says to the bunch that had just stumbled into their living room. Now that both Jeonghan and Jihoon have decided to greet the world with their presence, he’s no longer all that concerned with the volume of his voice.

“We haven’t,” Soonyoung says plainly. “We hung out in the practice room playing loud music so that the staff wouldn’t wonder why we were in there doing nothing, but most of us spent the time relaxing or sleeping like usual.”

“None of us could really focus anyway, with everything happening this morning,” Mingyu says, toeing off his shoes. “Will we get an explanation for everything now?”

  
“Yeah, once we woke Hannie,” Jisoo says. “Why don’t you all go change into comfy clothes while we get him to resurface a little.”

* * *

Fifteen minutes later they’re all decked out in the living room with something to drink or eat. Jeonghan has been placed between Jisoo and Seungcheol on the bed, as he had refused to leave it. Instead, he had turned himself into a clumsy blanket burrito with only his head and hands poking out. Head for the necessity of breathing (something barely awake Jeonghan hadn’t been too impressed about) and hands to hold his sippy cup with juice (which Jeonghan had been  _ far  _ more interested in).

“Will you tell us now?” Seungkwan says, resting with his back against one of the two couches. “We’re all a little more than confused.”

“Well, funny you should mention ‘little’,” Jisoo says, tightening his grip on the blanket burrito. “Jeonghan is something which in English is called a  _ little _ . Basically, to cope with stress or other things he slips into the mindset of a younger person.”

“Oh! I’ve heard of that,” Hansol says. “Are you two his caregivers then?” 

Seungcheol nods. “Basically. Jeonghannie goes into something called ‘little space’ every now and then to deal with stress, injuries or other issues. He’s been really good at hiding it, but you might have noticed that when he gets injured during practice, instead of reacting to it, he just— blanks out? That’s him slipping and reigning himself in, not processing it properly.”

“Much like other things like stress, when it isn’t dealt with properly, it builds up and eventually, the metaphorical cup spills over. That’s what happened this morning. It can come from not having the opportunity to regress, which is what the action of going into the headspace is called, or repressing it completely.”

“Did hyung suppress it?” Chan says. “That’s why he cried this morning and clung to you two?”

Jisoo nods. “Basically.”

It’s silent for a moment. 

“How did you guys find out?” Junhui eventually says. He seems a little awkward, but not opposed to the entire talk and idea of his hyung having the mind of a small child at times. “I mean, did hyung come talk to you about it?”

Jisoo looks down at Jeonghan. “Is it okay if I tell them?”

“Yeah,” Jeonghan whispers, sucking on his thumb again and pressing his face into Seungcheol’s shoulder, seemingly not finding the bone the least bit uncomfortable. “‘S fine. Hyungs c’n know.”

Jisoo ignores the reaction of Jeonghan’s reference to the members being his  _ hyungs  _ on the rest of his members. 

“I’m proud of you for using your words,” Jisoo says to Jeonghan instead, getting a small smile before Jeonghan’s face goes back to Seungcheol’s shoulder. He looks up to the rest of their members. “Back a few months, on tour, the three of us shared a hotel room. We woke up one night to Hannie stumbling around the room crying out for his mom. At the time, obviously we didn’t know what had happened and so we just treated it like we normally treat stress breakdowns—”

“And talked about it in the morning,” Seungcheol finishes. “Then Jisoo did a ton of research about it to see what could have caused it. And here we are.”

“So it’s not— like,” Soonyoung seems a little awkward too, which isn’t like Soonyoung  _ at all _ . “It’s not like a sexual thing, is it?”

“No!” Seungcheol says, probably a little too forcefully. He looks absolutely horrified. “No, that— no. It’s not. It’s definitely not.”

“Alright,” Soonyoung says, awkwardness gone in the blink of an eye. “Then I’m fine with it. It’s not like I don’t trust you guys, but if you were taking advantage of hyung like that, then … I don’t know how I would react to that. You said he has the mindset of a child, and like, a child cannot consent, so.”

“Yeah, no,” Jisoo says, pulling Jeonghan away from Seungcheol’s shoulder to try to get his thumb out of his mouth. “Hannie-ah, that’s not good. Your finger will end up looking like a raisin and maybe a member will find it and try to eat it! Then you wouldn’t have it anymore and that would be super sad, because I  _ love  _ your cute fingers.”

“Mmm,” Jeonghan agrees vaguely, slipping the thumb from his mouth to replace it with the sippy cup. 

“What— can we do to help?” Junhui says. “Like— is there anything we can do or help with. None of us— we discussed this, trying to figure out what was going on and how we could support it —none of us are opposed to helping Jeonghan-hyung out, but we need to know how.”

“Be there for him,” Seungcheol says. “Help him out. If he feels upset, get him to talk about it. If he comes to you and needs to be little and you feel able to cope with it, interact with him. It can be something as small as a nap or watching YouTube videos.”

“Mostly he needs an environment where he can feel safe and comfortable with it so that he won’t repress it until he gets borderline sick again. Just don’t push it. I’m sure you all understand it’s kind of a sensitive subject,” Jisoo says. 

“Can I— try interacting with him?” Minghao asks. “Is— that okay? You aren’t like tiger moms tearing people apart for getting close to him?”

“No no, go ahead,” Seungcheol says. “Just be nice and gentle to him.”

Minghao crawls forward until he’s half a metre in front of Jeonghan. “Are you sleepy?”

“Mmm, ‘m sleepy, Hao-hyung,” Jeonghan mutters and Jisoo can instantly tell he’s dropped all the way back in headspace with the way he’s properly slurring his words now and looking droopy. “Wanf huggos.”

Minghao holds his arms out and Jeonghan drops into them, curling up on his lap like it’s the most natural place for a person the same height as him to be sitting. 

“Why does he refer to everyone as hyung?” Seungkwan asks, before stopping and backtracking, turning a little red. “Oh wait, it’s because he has the mindset of someone younger and so he uses honorifics because to him right now, we’re ‘older’?”

“Mmm,” Jisoo agrees, taking in the scene of Minghao rocking Jeonghan back and forth, humming softly under his breath. “Yeah. When he’s in little space, you don’t have to use honorifics on him; it helps him fall into headspace and make it more natural. When he’s out of headspace, he’ll probably admonish you for being disrespectful if you don’t.”

“Can I hug him too?” Chan asks, inching forward slowly. “I wanna hug him.”

“You can ask him; just because he’s little doesn’t mean he’s not aware or that we make every decision for him. He still has opinions on what he wants and doesn’t want.”

Chan grins a little as he says, “Hannie-yah? Can I hug you too?”

“Channie-hyung get hug!” Jeonghan confirms, holding his arms out to Chan so that he can join the now threeway embrace.

Jisoo’s heart almost bursts at the cuteness of the scene. Jeonghan is passed between the rest of the members and given hugs before he’s given back to Jisoo. It’s getting late and while the other members may still stay up for hours, he should really get Jeonghan to bed before he gets grumpy. Mindset of a child; bedtime of a child, after all. 

“Come on, Hannie. Let’s go brush your teeth, hm? Maybe Jihoonie-hyung can help you get into bed. I heard he really wanted to do that. Maybe he can read one of your picture books to you?”

“Yeah,” Jeonghan agrees, not very agreeable to speaking, being too deep in his headspace to properly formulate any sentences very well. 

“Shua-hyung? I— have a question,” Wonwoo says from the armchair. “How— I guess, how old is he in this ‘headspace’?”

Jisoo bites his lip. “It varies. He used to be older, but today he’s really regressed to a much younger age than usual. I’m guessing he finally let himself go now that it’s not a secret anymore”

He looks down to Jeonghan. “Hannie, baby, how old are you?”

Jeonghan looks like he thinks hard for a few seconds, then puts up three, then four, then three fingers. He switches between them a few more times, ultimately never settling on one, but it’s telling enough. 

“That’s your answer,” Jisoo says to Wonwoo. “Three to four. He used to be up to almost eight but today he dropped down so far that he wasn’t speaking at all and, well— acting basically like a baby.”

“Good to know,” Wonwoo nods. “Thank you, hyung.”

Jisoo leads Jeonghan over to Cheollie. “Hyung here will help you brush your teeth, okay? Shua-hyung still has to talk to the others, but I’ll be back as soon as possible. Is that okay?”

Jeonghan nods and lets himself be led towards the bathroom by Seungcheol, who talks calmly to him the entire time about their day and fun things they can do tomorrow. 

“Why didn’t you go with them, hyung?” Mingyu asks, stretching to pull Wonwoo into his arms. He’s a tactile person and this day has been a lot, so Jisoo understands when Wonwoo, a considerably less touchy person, melts into Mingyu’s arms. 

“I want you to promise me something,” he says slowly, choosing his words carefully. “Jeonghan will probably be back to normal tomorrow morning and I’m willing to bet money on the fact that he will pretend that today did not happen. Don’t corner him about littlespace, don’t ask him, don’t baby him unless he asks for it, directly or indirectly. Just treat Jeonghan like you usually would. I—”

He runs a hand through his hair, dislodging it a little. He hasn’t put any product in it and it flops into his eyes. It’s greasy because he hadn’t gotten the chance to wash up at all today either and right now he feels disgusting and gross and tired but satisfied— he really does like taking care of Jeonghan, but now the day is over and his next proper stop is a shower and bed. 

“Never mind,” he finally says. “Good night, guys.”

He leaves the room, mind blank as he heads towards the bathroom where he’ll help put Hannie to bed and then he can get ready for bed himself. 

* * *

Jihoon opens the door slowly, seeing Seungcheol sitting by Jeonghan’s bedside. There’s an unopened picture book on the bedside table. 

“Hi, hyung,” Jihoon says. “Do you, uh— want me to read to Hannie?”

Seungcheol smiles knowingly. “You’ve fallen for little Hannie’s charms, haven’t you, Hoonie?”

“Yeah,” Jihoon admits. “He’s just too cute. I can’t help it.”

“‘M cute?” Jeonghan asks, biting on Jiji’s ear.

“The cutest,” Seungcheol promises before leaning forward to press a gentle kiss to Jeonghan’s forehead. “I’ll go to bed now, but Jihoonie-hyung will read to you and stay with you until you fall asleep, okay?”

When Jeonghan nods, Seungcheol kisses his forehead again for good measure before standing up and stretching until his spine creaks worryingly. 

“Read for a little bit and just watch over him till he’s asleep,” Seungcheol murmurs. “He’ll be out in just a few minutes, but we don’t want him getting anxious before he sleeps. He gets nightmares in little space.”

Jihoon nods and gets a one-arm hug from his hyung before Seungcheol is out of the door, likely to grab a shower before heading off to dreamland for a few hours. 

He approaches Jeonghan and sits down where Seungcheol had been sitting only a few seconds before. 

“Hi there, Hannie,” he greets. “Are you sleepy, bunnyboo?”

He doesn’t know where the nickname comes from but it seems to make Jeonghan happy. 

Jihoon grabs the picture book, opens it to the first page and starts reading. In his mind, however, a whole different story is playing out. He should get to his laptop as quickly as possible to jot down the potential lyrics and melody lines sparking through his head.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My girlfriend calls me babyboo, hannie is bunnyboo now. I don't make the rules. 
> 
> If you wanna talk to me, hmu on Tumblr (vampiricalthorns) and we can either talk there or I'll give you my discord id<3 Stay safe everyone!
> 
> Also, I do take requests so please hmu with them!
> 
> I'll try to update this every Sunday, so maybe I'll actually for once stick to a schedule lmao


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I didn't edit this as much, bc school yanno.
> 
> Thanks to murderrose for helping me out with parts of the chapter, allowing it to flow more naturally and stop antagonising me.
> 
> I'm not as happy with this one, but hopefully it'll be passable. 
> 
> **Warning** : there are brief, brief, brief allusions to eating disorders and slightly less brief depictions of depressive tendencies. Pretty run of the mill for my awareness writing bullshit

It’s still dark outside when Jeonghan wakes up. There’s a familiar weight covering his body and he takes a moment to appreciate the grounding sensation the blanket provides. 

His memory of the previous day is faint, little more than a brief recollection that he cried, held Jiji like he attempted to kidnap his own plushie and napping with Jihoon. 

It takes a moment for the impact of the events to set in. He slipped in front of everyone and that probably made them feel disgusted and so they either left or took care of him to be nice or something. 

A heavy ball of guilt settles in his stomach. He doesn't want to stay here and face his members when they wake up. 

Since he has his own room, it's easy to get dressed in workout clothes and pack a bag. He only has an empty water bottle from a few days ago, but there's a water dispenser outside the practice room that he can fill it up with. 

Jeonghan doesn’t want to bother with breakfast. Mostly it's because it's impossible to be quiet in the kitchen but also because he shouldn't eat and leave the others to have less when he already imposed on them enough yesterday. 

It’s easy to grab his keys and slip on his shoes silently before leaving the dorms, taking care to not leave a trace that he’s left to go practice at— Jeonghan checks his phone —5.30 in the morning. He’s been up earlier and practised longer before. 

The thoughts swirling around in his head don’t seem to stop. How he’s imposing on the others: he’s their  _ hyung _ , he should be the one taking care of them, not the other way around. 

It had already been hard enough when it had only been Seungcheol and Jisoo, since they’re all the same age. It’s not the same when the people taking care of you are the same age as you. In a way, it’s easier. On the other hand, it’s embarrassing. 

The thought of  _ Chan  _ having to take care of him, of the precious maknae having to take care of his broken and weird hyung— the thought makes Jeonghan want to cry and hide away from the world. 

Because he’s not an idiot, before he leaves he does tape a post-it to the fridge telling them that he wanted to check up on some footwork he had struggled to keep up with after a small fall he’d had a few weeks back. He had ended up with having to sit out a few practices, though not big enough to warrant a public announcement, thankfully. 

Despite the injury, Jeonghan has started to feel more confident in his dancing ability. Truth to be told, he hadn’t understood at first why and how he had actually passed his audition at all. He'd had no experience with dancing, didn't know how to rap at all, and his voice wasn't anywhere near good when compared to the rest of the vocal team. 

They've been told over and over and had countless member meetings about how useless and detrimental it is to try to put them all up in a skill hierarchy and how being negative to your own skill is only going to hurt the group in the long run. And Jeonghan  _ knows  _ he's gotten better. He's put a lot of effort into the vocal lessons, and even more effort into improving his dancing, not only to keep up with the others but also taking more care to dance  _ safely _ . He doesn't want to injure himself or others. 

Sometimes, however, it doesn’t quite go to plan.

It’s cold outside, just the first hints of spring in the air. 

The ten-minute walk is always good for clearing his head. It’s never quiet out, but somehow, the background noise is comforting.

It looks like Jeonghan is the first one at the company building. He's not surprised at all; after all, which idiot is out at before six in the morning to practice?

* * *

Apparently  _ Chan  _ is out before six in the morning to practice. He's an idiot too it seems.

"Chan? Shouldn't you be asleep by now? It's basically the middle of the night," Jeonghan says from the doorway of their usual practice room. 

"Hyung?" Chan turns around and blows his fringe out of his face. "Shouldn't  _ you _ be asleep?"

"I think Jisoo put me to bed at literally eight pm last night," Jeonghan says drily, dropping his bag on the floor next to Chan's. "What's on your mind? I thought we'd convinced you to stop going to the practice in the middle of the night to encourage your feet to bleed in the middle of practice?"

"Couldn't sleep. I— are you okay with talking— about, everything?" Chan says tentatively, dropping down on the floor to stare up at the ceiling. "I'm not like, against it, I'm really not, but I'm confused. I want to know how I can help."

"You shouldn't worry about it, Channie-yah," Jeonghan says, sitting down so that he can run his fingers through Chan's sweaty bangs in an attempt to comfort not only Chan, but also himself. "I didn't mean to freak out on all of you. I tried to keep it to only Cheollie and Shua. I never meant to impose on my precious dongsaengs. Don't worry about hyung, hm?"

Chan catches his hand and looks up. "I  _ want  _ to worry, hyung. I want you to tell me how we can help because obviously, this is something that  _ helps _ you and if you'd let us, we'd all jump at the opportunity to help you out, even if it's something as small as a hug every now and then."

Jeonghan feels choked up at the honest display of care from their maknae and sweeps Chan into his arms to hug him. "My Channie-yah, my strong dinosaur stomping around to distribute his love and care. Thank you."

"No problem, hyung," Channie says, slightly choked against his neck from how tightly Jeonghan is holding him. "Now, why did you come here to practise at like six in the morning?"

Jeonghan pulls away and goes to get his water bottle so that he can fill it at the water dispenser. "Didn't get my footwork down properly before I had that fall a few weeks back. Thought I'd try to get through it on my own so that I won't keep the group behind."

"You need help with that? I can show you how to do it and we can practice together, if you want," Chan offers, already pulling up his phone to scroll through Spotify. "Soonie-hyung really amped up the footwork this time. We're all gonna be a pile of noodles at the end of it. All curled up together and it'll be impossible to get loose."

"Soonyoung worked really hard on this choreography," Jeonghan says. "I remember when he and Hoonie were working together to perfect the rhythm. We were out dragging them home almost every night at ridiculous hours and feeding them the first thing we could find in the kitchen that wouldn't make too much noise or too much effort to make."

"They did a good job," Chan says fondly. "I'm sure the fans will like it."

He puts on the music and they get to work, indeed ending up like noodles on the first few run-throughs.

* * *

Time passes quickly as they go through the steps until Jeonghan has three perfect run-throughs in a row. Then they move onto other things, going through older choreographies until they remember them perfectly.

When the clock hits seven-thirty, they stop dancing for long enough to pop to the closest store to pick up some food to recharge. It's probably not as healthy as whatever Mingyu is making at home along with Junhui, but it's enough to get them through until lunch. 

Once they've eaten, it's back to work, Jeonghan watching one of Chan's danceology choreos he's been chipping away at for a few weeks. He's seen Chan consulting Jisoo a lot for this one. The lyrics are in English and Jeonghan knows Chan wants to accurately portray the meaning of the dances in the way he dances and the way he sculpts his persona to fit the music. 

Jeonghan claps as the music ends and chucks Chan's water bottle in his direction, fully intending for his dongsaeng to not be dehydrated. Dancing is an exhausting matter, and they've all felt the side-effects before.

* * *

When the rest of the members file into the practice room, they don't seem to be surprised to see either there. Jeonghan sees Jisoo whisper something to Seungcheol, but they don't seem too concerned for Jeonghan's behaviour yet. That, or they're just really good at hiding their true intentions and opinions. 

"Hey, hyung," Soonyoung says, chucking his bag onto the floor, watching it slide to hit Jeonghan's. "What are you and Channie doing here so early? I didn't think you'd be the one to hit the practice room before our actual scheduled practice."

"I wanted to fix the footwork," Jeonghan says. "Found Channie-yah and he helped me out. You've taught the kid well, he's a good teacher, just like you."

"Yeah," Soonyoung says, before lowering his voice. "How are you feeling? I know yesterday was a lot, and I understand if you, like, don't really wanna talk about it, but— we were all really worried for you. Seems like Hoonie and the hyungs took good care of you, though."

"I—," Jeonghan starts. He doesn't want to talk about this. Opening up just a little to Chan was enough for now and he needs a cool-down period for this. "I'm fine. Let's just practice for now, hm?"

"Sure," Soonyoung agrees easily, getting up to start the practice. 

* * *

“Hyung?”

Jeonghan turns around, bag hoisted up on his shoulder. "Yeah, Youngie?"

Soonyoung falters. "I— you wanna pop down to the shop and grab some snacks?"

"Sure," Jeonghan says hesitantly. He has a feeling that Soonyoung is out for something more than just mooching off his hyung for snacks. "Now?"

Soonyoung nods and grabs his own bag. "Need some fresh air. Thought I'd ask you since we don't go on a lot of food runs anymore, just the two of us."

* * *

They split from the rest of the group right outside the building and head in the direction of the same shop Jeonghan had been in with Chan earlier in the day. Surely the employees won't mind; they're wearing masks anyway, it isn’t likely they'll be recognised. 

"Hyung?" Soonyoung asks again once they're out of the store and on their way back to the dorms. "Yesterday, during the talk. When we discussed, you know--"

Jeonghan nods. "Yeah?"

"I asked if, like, the hyungs were taking advantage of you or anything when you're in that state. They're not, are they? They denied it and looked horrified, but I— I need to ask you too. You understand, right?"

Jeonghan looks at Soonyoung. "No, they don't. I'm sorry you worried about that. They take good care of me, Soonie, don't you tangle your mind up in knots about it, okay? I told Chan too; it shouldn't be something my precious dongsaengs should worry about. I should be the one to take care of you, after all."

Soonyoung stares at him and Jeonghan is strangely reminded of his earlier conversation with Chan. It's obvious that it is Soonyoung that has taught Chan the way he has: they mimic each other and their reactions are sometimes scarily similar.

"Hyung," Soonyoung says, an ugly note in his voice. "We want to take care of you. All of us do. But you gotta let us in for that. I'm not gonna push, but if it helps you, we'll all be there for you."

Jeonghan purses his lips and picks up his pace towards the dorms. The internal conflict in him is endless. On one side, he wants to feel the love from his dongsaengs and be able to let go of all the stress he feels. Then again, there are other members that are under more stress than him, like Soonyoung, that are directly responsible for their comeback and their work. Seungcheol shouldn't even be bothered with taking care of him, he's their leader and the leader for the hip-hop team and already does so much for them. Jeonghan shouldn't ask for more. 

There's a fear that maybe one of his members will slip up about his freaky behaviour at some show once, maybe after a fight, to spite his hyung. And while the fear has no foundation to stand on, Jeonghan still fears that his secret will be revealed to the world. It would be a one-way ticket to end his career, a sharp knife to tear not only his bond with his bandmates but also the relationship with his family, who surely won't want anything to do with him after that. 

They're so proud of him for what he's achieved. He can't ruin all of that now.

"Thank you, Soonyoung," Jeonghan says tersely. "I appreciate it."

When they get back to the dorms, Jeonghan'll generously dump his snacks on the kitchen table for anyone to take and go straight to bed. He's tired of being awake and tired of having to deal with the fallout of his freakshow. 

And while they're all trying to convince him that it's fine, the voice at the back of his mind doesn't agree one bit.

"I'm going to rest for a bit," Jeonghan says, toeing off his shoes, not caring to put them in the right place. It might be a bit of a childish move, not doing something they all have a mutual agreement about, but Jeonghan is far too exhausted and his head is far too loud to care. 

Maybe a nap will help and he'll wake up to find that the past two days have just been a nightmarish daydream.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Remember to stay 2 metres/6 feet away from people and wash your hands properly. Wear a mask if your government recommends or enforces it and take care of your mental health!
> 
> [my twitter](https://twitter.com/Vampiricalthor1) (I'm still learning, be nice)


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry for not updating last week! I really wasn't feeling too well (don't worry, not covid, I'm fine now)
> 
> Please have this little-bit-longer chapter to compensate. 
> 
> Stay safe and wash your hands!
> 
> no i don't know what this chapter is either

"Take five minutes!" Soonyoung calls out and Jeonghan immediately breaks formation to stumble over to where his water bottle is placed. He gulps down a third of its contents before leaning his head back against the wall with a sigh. 

The past few weeks have been gruelling, full of practices and vocal lessons and late nights. The stylist noonas have been annoyed with him too— the stress acne he's always been prone to is back, his arms and legs are covered in bruises from practice and the bags under his eyes haven't been this dark since pre-debut days.

And yet, Jeonghan feels lighter. In some ways, he suspects it might just be a passing trend, that soon he'll go back to feeling heavy all the time. On the other hand, it's been easier to not carry a heavy secret more or less all by himself. 

"You alright, hyung?" Minghao asks, dropping down next to him. "You've been falling a lot recently."

Jeonghan hums. "This choreography is really hard to learn. We all spend a lot of time on the floor, don't we? Don't worry, Haohao, it's gotten better the past few days and a few practices from now, I'll stay on my feet."

He turns to look at Minghao. "You have your water, right? Stay hydrated, okay?"

Minghao nods and gestures to where his bag is. "I already had some water, but then I came here to avoid Junnie-hyung's sweaty hugs."

Jeonghan understands. Junhui's had a thing for hugging everyone and everything recently (Jeonghan had found him cuddling a bottle of soda one late movie night). It's a testament to how busy they are. It's always when pressure is high that their true selves come out at full force, no longer hidden behind a mask of what is socially acceptable or expected of them. 

"Maybe let him hug you," Jeonghan says gently. "You know how comforting it is. Besides, I don't think it would be a good idea to let affectionate Junnie come into contact with Jihoon right. He's been on edge too."

“You’re right, Minghao said, hoisting himself up and smiles at Jeonghan before going to intercept Junhui, who indeed had been aiming for their small bundle of explosives. “We don’t want any casualties.”

* * *

It's far past two am when Jeonghan leaves his room. His mind's been spinning for far too long, the same thoughts going through his mind on high-speed, daunting roller coasters. And while he's gained the general vibe of the thoughts and ideas and opinions assaulting him from all angles, they're not solid enough for him to properly grasp and hold them for long enough to process them. 

It's both a blessing and a curse to have his own room. It's his sanctuary of sorts, a place where he can breathe and simply exist as himself without anyone to please and keep up appearances for. Then again, the plain white walls he's tried to cover up with pictures and decorations, sometimes threaten to choke him out, to strangle him with their never-ending loneliness.

He had been asleep, he thinks. A thin veil of unconsciousness masking the terror in his mind. It’d been a shock when he’d woken up; the feeling of falling, maybe of catching the front wheel of a bike on a small stone and toppling over, knowing that in a moment, his forehead would connect with the pavement and knock him out. 

It’d never happened. He’d been sitting up, clutching his pillow and gasping for breath, pulse racing and mind confused. 

Back when he’d lived at home, had still had his eomma there to calm him down when a nightmare had held onto his dream like a parasite, injecting its poison into his subconscious to terrorise him, she’d always gotten him a glass of water. (“to flush out the nightmare,” she’d always said. Jeonghan had always believed his eomma.)

The coldness of the water is refreshing, and maybe that's what his eomma had meant all those years ago. That the coldness of the water had meant to be a new start of sorts, to remove the bad influences of past dreams to allow for sweeter ones to flourish. 

It's when Jeonghan picks up the glass for the second time that everything just seems to go wrong; it slips from his hand and makes contact with the kitchen floor, instantly shattering. 

The noise rings in Jeonghan's ears and his head suddenly feels like it's been filled with cotton and like nothing really can manage to penetrate through it. Subconsciously, he raises his thumb to his mouth and suckles on it, trying to grasp that sensation to hold it and feel it and feel real and— 

He stumbles backwards, towards the trash cans, towards the back corner of the kitchen. Sitting down, he curls up and hides his face, still with his thumb in his mouth. 

Some vaguely realistic, conscious part of Jeonghan tells him that the shock of the nightmare and the shock of the water glass slipping and breaking has been enough to force him into his headspace. The same part tells him that the broken glass is a potential safety hazard and he should really aim to clean it up and chuck it away 

The headspace part of Jeonghan is on a one-track railroad of _scared, scared, scared, scared_ and very unwilling to do anything but hide next to the trash cans. 

* * *

Jeonghan doesn't know how long he's been sitting in the corner, but it's been a while since his foggy cotton brain had picked up on the fact that his thumb has pruned and that his legs have gone numb. 

There's some noise from the bathroom that shares a wall with the kitchen, but Jeonghan doesn't look up, too scared now for the judgement that surely will follow when one of the members discovers him hiding in the kitchen with broken glass and water on the floor. Surely he'll be told off and ignored, left to take care of himself. 

Jeonghan doesn't have the energy to wipe away the tears that pearl at the corner of his eyes. The kitchen light is still off and when it turns on, Jeonghan's eyes burn. 

"Hello?" Someone's voice calls out and Jeonghan looks up to see Seungkwan stand in the doorway, staring at the broken glass on the floor.

"Kwannie," Jeonghan whimpers pathetically and Seungkwan's eyes snap to meet his. 

For a moment nothing happens, but then Seungkwan's face softens and he steps around the broken glass, taking care to not step on it and then he crouches down in front of Jeonghan with a gentle smile. 

"Hey there, pumpkin," Seungkwan says gently, wiping away the tears on his cheeks. "What happened, hm?"

Relief fills him and Jeonghan slumps over, closer to Seungkwan, into an embrace that's warm and soft and gentle and caring and— 

And Seungkwan had asked him a question. He should probably answer that.

"I— h-had a nightmare," Jeonghan mumbles, "went to get a glass of water b-but it—”

The tears start filling his eyes again and he sniffles, hiding his face in Seungkwan's shirt. It smells like their laundry detergent; like home and safety and closeness. 

“Are you hurt at all, pumpkin?” Seungkwan asks. “Do you need me to patch anything up?”

Jeonghan tries to think, but his mind is muddier now that he finally has someone to take care of him. He had stepped backwards out of reflex when he’d dropped the glass, and he doesn’t _feel_ any pain. 

“Nuh-uh,” he says. “Didn’ get hurt.”

Seungkwan nods against the top of his head and a hand appears to wipe his tears away again. 

“Do you need some bandaids for the pain up here?” he asks, gently tapping Jeonghan’s head. “You were crying.”

Jeonghan nods to that, a movement that lets Seungkwan’s soft shirt rub against his cheek. It’s a comforting, gentle sensation. 

“Do you need anything to eat, sweetheart? How about I chop up an apple for you? Your small, cute tummy is probably a tiny, growling monster isn’t it?”

As if on cue, Jeonghan’s stomach does grumble and he giggles. Maybe there’s a small cute monster in his tummy needing food. 

“Yeah,” he says. “Apple?”

* * *

Jeonghan is reluctant to move away from Seungkwan, his saviour, so after all the glass had been cleared up (which he’d completely forgotten about— his mind is occupied with the promise of bandaids from his hyung!). Suddenly tired again, he leans against Seungkwan’s legs as an apple is chopped up for him to munch on. 

Distracted with the apple slices put on a plate on the floor in front of him, Jeonghan doesn’t even notice Seungkwan leaving the room before he was back. 

“I got your bandaids, sweetheart. Where do you need them?”

Jeonghan thinks hard for a moment before pointing once to his cheek and once to his hand. He wasn’t hurting, but the bandaids were pretty and he wanted them to be visible too so that other people could see how pretty they were and how pretty they made him!

“Thank you, hyung,” Jeonghan mumbles, allowing Seungkwan to move him up into a chair so he could continue eating his apple slice. 

The noise of breakfast being made envelops Jeonghan and helps him calm down. He doesn’t notice his head drooping onto the table to let him rest. 

* * *

Jeonghan jolts awake at the sound of people coming into the kitchen. Half of his mind is still stuck very firmly in little space, still riding the high of Seungkwan’s affection, but the other half is telling him— _screaming_ at him that he’s been annoying them enough now and that playtime is over. It’s time to be an adult, to be a proper hyung for the members. 

But he’s confused. There’s too much going on and he whimpers, almost falling off his chair. He has to get away from them just to reign himself in and then he’ll be back as their Jeonghan-hyung, ready to dry tears and find socks and organise stuff and help Seungcheol with the burden of organising them all and— 

“Jeonghan?” 

Someone’s calling his name and he’s being held and forced down to the floor; the carpet in front of the tv is soft and grounding and his grips onto it, crying out for help. 

“It’s okay, pumpkin, breathe for me, hmm?” It’s Seungkwan’s voice and Jeonghan looks up to see him sitting in front of him, holding out his hands for Jeonghan to take if he wants something to hold onto. There’s someone still holding him and Jeonghan swats at them, trying to figure out who it is.

“W-Who?” Jeonghan chokes out, trying to turn around and look through the confused tears in his eyes.

“That’s your Mingyu-hyung, sweetheart,” Seungkwan says. “He’s hugging you. Does that make you feel better? Does the pressure feel nice?”

Jeonghan nods, whimpers and sniffles and tries to get his internal mess into legible words that maybe they’ll understand. “I— need to be, not s-small, needs to be … responsible for — dong-dongsaengs.”

Seungkwan coos at him and suddenly he’s being hugged from both sides and the pressure is nice and gentle and the urge to cry slowly lessens and suddenly everything feels a little easier.

“You don’t have to be hyung and responsible. We’ll take care of you and then hyung can come out from here, later? Hyung needs to rest too, right?”

Jeonghan doesn’t quite know why they’re separating him into two but it feels right and reassuring and right and good.

“Hungry,” he mumbles eventually. “Didn’ eat all m’apple slices.”

“That’s not good,” Mingyu says behind him and the voice vibrates pleasantly through Jeonghan. “You want me to make you some food to eat, angel?” 

With Mingyu’s help, Jeonghan stands up on wobbly legs and lets his hyungs lead him back to the kitchen where the rest of the members have been sitting, waiting for his tantrum to calm down.

“You okay, baby?” Jisoo asks, holding out his arms to give Jeonghan a hug. 

“Gyu-hyung gonna gimme food,” he says as way of answering, feeling all happy and light again. “There’s a tiny monster in my tumtum. Kwannie-hyung said.”

“They’re real smart, aren’t they?” Jisoo says. “You love your hyungs, Hannie?”

  
“Mhm,” Jeonghan agrees, sitting down on Jisoo’s lap when offered. He likes sitting on people’s laps, he decides. It’s warm and safe and he’s close to a person that’s nice and likes him for who he is. 

It’s first after a nap that Jeonghan feels mostly like himself again. He’s been playing with Seungkwan and Mingyu all day. Earlier, he had had a moment of clarity, making sure to let the others know that he wants to go to the meeting; that he has all intentions of surfacing in less than six hours. 

They’ve been nice and gentle to him, helping him eat, letting him get out his excess energy, letting him talk when he’d felt up to it.

Minghao had let him borrow some of his colouring pencils and paper and the two of them had sat by the kitchen table drawing out a story together. 

It’d been nice. 

When Jisoo had come and told him that it’s time to surface again, it had been slow and gentle and on Jeonghan’s premise. He’d been allowed into Jisoo’s bed and slowly resurfaced in a safe environment and immediately been able to process the emotions coming with dropping so suddenly and due to a negative trigger event. 

They’d been close to him during the meeting; had helped him dress in comfortable clothing and one of the members had always been in physical contact with him. If he acted tired or distant, there was always the excuse of ‘headache’ immediately at the tip of someone’s tongue to protect him.

Yet, the meeting goes slowly and Jeonghan wants to get up and move around; wants to slip back into that space where everything is easy and bright and happy and he has people to play with. 

“Just a little longer and we can go home, okay?” Junhui whispers in his ear. “Can you do that for us, pretty one?”

Jeonghan nods minutely; while he feels fragile and exhausted, he can still maintain some semblance of professionality. 

In many ways, the car ride back to the dorms is harder than the meeting itself. Jeonghan doesn’t like being restrained, doesn’t like how the seatbelt feels wrong or how he has to sit down for close to half an hour. Thankfully, it seemed that Jisoo had expected this development, handing him Minghao’s ipad right after he’d made sure Jeonghan had strapped himself in properly. Along with the iPad had been a pair of headphones, and with Jihoon’s help, it only takes a minute before Jeonghan is able to watch something on disney+ to make the trip back home easier. 

He doesn’t recall falling asleep in the car, but the next thing he sees is his own bedroom, Seungcheol rummaging through his closet for pyjamas.

“Bottom shelf,” Jeonghan mumbles sleepily, raising his arms to allow Jisoo to pull his sweater off him. “Wants the ones with teddies.”

The teddy bear pyjamas had been something of an impulse purchase one of those sleepless nights. Some part of him, which Jeonghan now recognises as little him, had thought the comforting aspect of teddy bears to be good for sleeping. 

They had helped the one time he’d worn them (much under the same circumstances as now) and maybe now it’s time to really try them out.

“Thank you,” Jeonghan mumbles, gripping onto both Jisoo and Seungcheol’s sleeve as they try to leave the room. “Stay? Pretty please?”

“Of course, sweetheart,” Jisoo says. “One of us’ll stay while the other washes up and then we’ll switch. We’ll both stay with you, don’t you worry, baby.”

“Okay,” Jeonghan says, popping his thumb into his mouth, waiting for sleep to grasp at him again, a solid, safe retreat from reality. 

It’s always safe with someone else there. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have a [twitter](https://twitter.com/Vampiricalthor1) I have no idea how to use


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HUGE HUGE HUGE HUGE HUGE kudos to [Rose](https://archiveofourown.org/users/MurderRose/pseuds/MurderRose) for helping me deal with this chapter. Go follow her on [twitter](https://twitter.com/RoseEnDiamant)! Also to [my gf](https://sunlightschadow.tumblr.com/) for keeping me motivated to actually write this while i was super busy with school
> 
> The original draft of this was 5k words at 40% completion and so i made the executive decision to just... chop it up into 3 chapters. This chapter is the first of three looking more into the backstory of how the members (and Jeonghan for that matter) found out about his age regression. 
> 
> The middle of this chapter is... not a feel-good part. It's not. But it was kinda necessary. Sorry Coups.

“Are you okay?”

Jeonghan looks up, a little dazed, but after a moment he nods and returns to his phone game, ignoring Seungcheol.

Seungcheol sighs and glances over at Jisoo, who simply shrugs and mouths, ‘we’ll try again later’.

The thing is, Seungcheol can’t help but wonder how long it’ll be until ‘later’ becomes ‘now’. They’ve been trying to get across to Jeonghan for weeks now, but either he had been willfully ignoring them, or he was really just constantly busy. It seemed like he had something going on in his head; he wasn’t messing around and playing with their dongsaengs unless one of their managers mentioned it for filming, and he didn’t seem to have much interest in food. He barely finished his meals, putting food onto the plates of the ones beside him in a ‘listen to hyung, eat’, but Seungcheol could see  _ he  _ wasn’t eating.

He’s worried.

In the evenings, Jeonghan no longer joins their movie nights or any chats save the mandatory ones. But even at those, he doesn’t speak up unless absolutely necessary. 

Seungcheol is aware that he isn’t the only concerned one— only a few nights prior both Seungkwan and Minghao had climbed into his bed looking for answers to why their hyung was so sad. 

He’d stopped probing after a while, stopped asking how Jeonghan had slept and if he’d had enough to eat. Instead, he’d made sure that the snacks Jeonghan still seemed to have an interest in were always somewhere in their kitchen and they’d all tried to be extra nice to him, trying to coax him into the living room with the promise of his favourite movies.

He’d gently prodded the younger ones to shower Jeonghan in love, and sometimes it looked like it had helped. But even when Chan had even snuck up to hug Jeonghan, pressed himself into his side and asked, “Am I still your baby even when I’m this big?” His smile had only lasted until Chan had turned around and went back to his spot in the practice room.

The by-now-familiar thud sounds through the practice room for the n-th time and Seungcheol turns around, not even surprised to see Jeonghan on the floor.

"Try again," Seungcheol says gently, holding out a hand to help Jeonghan up. "It's a difficult move, but I'm sure you'll get it in a try or two."

"Maybe," Jeonghan mumbles, rubbing the point where he'd hit the floor. 

Seungcheol sighs but goes back into position, ready for Soonyoung to start the music again. They've been at it for over six hours by now, with only small bathroom breaks and a rushed lunch that one of the managers had brought for them.

They had all been ready to hit the hay an hour ago but the choreography was hard and practice had been characterised by— 

"Jeonghan-hyung, pay attention! Do you need to go through the choreography again?"

—that.

Seungcheol turns around and finds a familiar sight: Jeonghan staring at the floor with the person he'd bumped into or stolen a position from glaring at him.

"It’s fine."

"Well, it's obviously not fine if you keep making the same mistake ten times in a row," Seungcheol mutters, just a little exasperated with all the events accumulating that has Jeonghan as their ultimate focal point.

He runs a hand through his hair and sighs, deciding that he's too tired to think clearly and might just start an argument in this state. "I need some fresh air. You guys just continue."

The door softly shutting behind him as he leaves the practise room doesn't aid the confused mix of feelings in his stomach.

* * *

“Hyung? Are you okay?”

Jeonghan quickly schools his face and turns around. “Hansollie—?”

“Are you okay?” Hansol stepped closer, “You don’t gotta be, you know. What hyung said—”

“Aish, no, don’t worry—”

“It’s okay to not be okay, hyung. We can all see that you’re doing your best. Hyung shouldn’t have said what he did. It’s okay to be tired.”

Damn Hansol and his genuine expression and gentle eyes and— Jeonghan blinked, determined not to cry. He was the hyung here, after all.

Hansol steps closer. “Are you okay, hyung? What Cheollie-hyung said was uncalled for. You’re doing your best and that’s enough. We’ve been practising for a long time, it’s okay to be tired.”

Jeonghan knows just how fake his smile is when he leans over to ruffle Hansol’s hair. “You’re worrying too much, baby.”

Hansol squirms and Jeonghan shakes his head with a small laugh that is just as fake as the smile. “You’re such a good dongsaeng, Sollie. Don’t you worry, I’m okay.”

He doesn’t like lying to his members, but right now, if he doesn’t— well, a breakdown wouldn’t be a help. Maybe it’d help shorten the practice down but then his babies would be worried about him and that wouldn’t be any good either.

The fakeness he lathers on in front of the others is exhausting him, but somehow, he cannot shake it. Telling the truth seems impossible and lying to his members is something he’d never imagine having to resort to— 

But in the words of the product of a money-obsessed business: Conceal, don’t feel Jeonghan, don’t let them know.

* * *

Even though the fresh air had cleared his head, Seungcheol feels the frustration build up again the moment he comes back into the practice room, ready to get this over with. 

The meal he’d eaten earlier had been sufficient for carrying on a bit longer, but it’s been  _ hours  _ and while the time as a trainee and when they’d done  _ One fine day _ had prepared him for the occasional semi-starvation coming with, today the hunger pain seems harder to deal with than usual.

And so when, for the tenth time  _ after  _ Seungcheol had come back to the practice room, Jeonghan bumps into someone and falls to the floor, surely aggravating one of many bruises he’d already gotten, something in him snaps.

“What’s wrong with you? Why won’t you just focus for once? We’re all tired, Jeonghan, so the faster you get your shit together and just do it right, the faster we can all rest! You’re not the only exhausted and hurting person here. For fuck’s sake, you’re the second oldest, so pull yourself together!”

For a moment, nothing happens. 

Then, Jeonghan’s face crumbles and a sob breaks out of his throat.

In less than five seconds, Seungcheol is witness to one of his best friends having a complete breakdown, complete with ugly crying and holding himself. And it’s because of him. 

* * *

He’d known the moment the words left his mouth that he’d severely fucked up. Rushing to Jeonghan, he scoops him into his arms, gently grabs the hands doing their best to claw up Jeonghan’s arms and starts apologising. 

He meets Jisoo’s eyes and gestures with his head towards the rest of the members, then the door, indicating that practice is now over and that the rest of the members need to go back to the dorm. 

“I’m so sorry, Hannie. I didn’t mean to snap at you, I really didn’t, we’re all so tired and I know that you’re tired and I didn’t mean to and—” Seungcheol keeps rambling out apologies as the practice room clears out. 

Jeonghan doesn’t seem to hear him at all, only cries, with his now free hands clutching onto Seungcheol’s shirt. 

Seungcheol tries to calm him, tries every trick in the book he’s learnt throughout his career as the leader of a bunch of rambunctious, workaholic boys. None of them seems to work, but he doesn’t give up just because of that. Once the rest of the members have left he can focus on apologising properly and talk to Jeonghan. Try to snap him out of this weird state he seems to have landed himself in. 

* * *

“You fucked up.”

Seungcheol looks up at Jisoo, who’d stayed behind after herding the youngest out. “No shit, Jisoo. ‘Course I did. Do— do you wanna take him? He doesn’t seem to be reacting to anything I say and he won’t calm down. I can’t tell if it’s because he’s so into it or because it’s me.”

“It’s probably a mix of both,” Jisoo says, all anger suddenly gone as he takes Jeonghan into his own arms, eyes widening when Jeonghan clutches onto his shirt much the same way he had with Seungcheol’s.

Seungcheol meets his eyes and shrugs, equally as unsure of Jeonghan’s behaviour as well. Something about it doesn’t add up. Jeonghan’s exhausted, sure, he’s messed up a lot during practice and surely he must be hurting from being intimately acquainted with the floor and to top it all off he’d gotten yelled at by one of his best friends. But there’s something about the reaction that seems off. 

Jeonghan, their fierce, sassy Jeonghan who doesn’t back down from a fight like this, doesn’t take an argument without retaliation— clutching to his friend’s shirt like a baby, crying? Something about this feels really wrong and out of tune with Jeonghan’s usual personality.

“You—” Seungcheol’s voice is thick. The guilt from what he’s done, from causing  _ this _ , is slowly sinking in like a cold stream of water down his spine. “You calm him down and I’ll get him his favourite drink from one of the vending machines. Maybe having me out of the room will calm him down. I’m— well, I fucked up and caused this, after all.” 

“You do that.”

Seungcheol stands and looks away. “I’m sorry. Please don’t be mad at me, Shua. I really didn’t mean for this to happen. It’s— it’s been a lot recently and I’m worried.”

“It’s fine,” Jisoo says, in-between gentle coos directed at Jeonghan. “Just make it up as best as you can and I’m sure it’ll be fine.”

* * *

“I talked to management.”

Jeonghan doesn’t look up. He’s half slumped over on the couch, resting his head on one of the armrests. Judging by the headache pounding in his temples and the tear tracks on his cheeks he cannot be bothered to wash away, he has a reason not to want to be present for this meeting.

Any recollection of the previous night is foggy. The bruises from when he’d fallen tell their own story in sharp, sudden throbs and underlying discomfort, their colour a sickly purple-blue against his pale skin.

He doesn’t pick up on more of what Seungcheol is saying. Even if he doesn’t recall the previous night, something about Seungcheol makes him feel off; a small fragment of him desiring to hide under a blanket and hug something soft.

He’d woken up like that, in a nest of blankets and pillows on his bedroom floor, trapped between Jisoo and Seungcheol. He’d escaped as quickly as possible, unable to handle the gentleness of the act without the guilt whacking him over the head.

“—four days off. Please use them to recover and feel better, all of you.”

The words don’t really register in Jeonghan’s head, and the stampede of feet leaving the living room doesn’t do much but make the throbbing in his temples worse. 

“Hyung? Can I get you anything? You don’t look too good.” 

A hand gently makes contact with his forehead and Jeonghan forces his eyes open to meet Hansol’s. They’re paired with a gentle smile, and again, not for the first time, he’s reminded of some cute cuddly animal one simply couldn’t resist holding onto for hours. 

“Sollie,” Jeonghan croaks out. Damn, his voice is wrecked. How  _ long  _ had he been crying last night? 

Hansol, if possible, looks even more concerned. Dammit. “Hyung?”

“Could you get me some painkillers please?” 

Shit, Jeonghan hates asking for things, but his head is killing him and taking a nap on the couch doesn’t sound like too bad of an idea. Just until he feels okay enough to raid the snack cupboard and board himself up in his room for the four next days. 

This uncomfortable, unknown feeling is something he needs to identify and work through. It’s not in his nature to be overly emotional, but this— is something that needs to be worked through in the absence of others.

But first, a nap.

“Sure thing, hyung,” Hansol says. “Do you need any food or water to get the pills down? You shouldn’t take painkillers on an empty stomach. Don’t want you to end up like Wonwoo-hyung did once.”

Jeonghan makes a non-committal noise that's supposed to mean something along the lines of 'sure'.

Suddenly Hansol is back, a pack of painkillers and a banana in one hand and Jeonghan's favourite coffee mug in the other. Like a small bird, he lets Hansol pop the aspirin into his mouth and obediently drinks the water when the cup is held to his lips. 

"Hansol keeps reminding him to ‘swallow, Hyung’ and ‘Hyung, you need to eat’ and then there are tiny pieces of banana being pressed to his lips and it's all Jeonghan can do to blink away the tears. Jeonghan meets Hansol's eyes momentarily and they're wide and worried. He clearly is making the situation worse by being so helpless.

He’s an  _ adult _ . He should be able to eat on his own. 

“You look tired, hyung. Do you need help to get back to your room? I can carry you if you’d like?”

The care Hansol has shown for him is having its effect. Much like when Jisoo comes up to him with food or water and pets his hair while he eats, his mind goes calm and hazy. The voice at the back of his mind that keeps telling him he’s the hyung, the one who should be responsible and care for others has quieted down and in its absence is something comfortable, something soft telling him to accept the help and be cared for.

He apparently doesn’t get a say in the matter. Suddenly Seokmin is there, helping Hansol lift him to his feet. Between them, he’s half-carried into his bedroom, socks tugged off his feet and hoodie pulled off to reveal his sleep-shirt (for some reason the living room has always been the coldest room in the dorm). Then he’s tucked into his bed, sandwiched in-between Hansol and Seokmin, being spooned by Hansol and spooning Seokmin. They’re both warm and huggable and the fading anxiety that had burned under his skin when Seungcheol had been speaking in the living room fades away completely as he’s lulled to sleep by Hansol’s even breathing and Seokmin’s gentle humming.

* * *

“Do you think Hannie’s getting sick?” Jisoo closes the door to Seungcheol and Wonwoo’s room and leans against it. “He looked really sick this morning and he snuck out of his own bedroom,  _ his own literal safe space _ , to avoid us probably the moment he woke up. Something’s not right.”

Seungcheol sighs and stares at his hands, watching the light glint off the ring. He feels like a really shitty leader. He’d watched Jeonghan all through the meeting this morning. It had hurt to see one of his brothers zoned out, curled up like a dropped kitten. 

“Do you think I’ve permanently ruined something? Did I— how badly did I really mess up, Shua?”

Jisoo sits down on his bed and folds his hands, almost as if in prayer. Despite the under-eye bags and ratty sleep shirt Seungcheol’s almost sure used to belong to Junhui at some point, he still looks ethereal. “I’m not sure. The reaction seemed too extreme. Jeonghan is more rational than emotional. There’s probably something underlying going on. Give him time to cool down and then talk to him. I’m sure he’ll understand that you didn’t really mean what you said.”

“I … can’t help but feel like I took advantage of him in a way, staying with him all through the night without him being in a mindset where he could protest. He’s probably gonna be pissed that we messed up his bed and floor too with the blanket pile we slept on. I don’t wanna go clean it up— I don’t think he wants to see me at all.”

“He’ll get over it. I saw Minnie and Hansol take care of him. Maybe they’ll clear it up,” Joshua says, inching closer to him on the bed.

“Hug me?” 

When Jisoo presses into him, sighing against his collarbone, Seungcheol closes his eyes and hopes fervently that he’ll fix this, whatever it may take.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey stream left&right. also what was your favourite Heng:garæ song? I must admit I am... very weak for fearless.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to Rose for looking through this. I wrote the bulk of this today (~2.4k words) in an attempt to try out my new bluetooth keyboard since i did a big stupid and spilled soda on my laptop a while back and now rely on a combo of a bluetooth keyboard+ipad. 
> 
> I'll be going to Germany in just a few days to visit my gf (yes, we're ensuring that it'll be as safe as possible and both Norway+her district is low-risk to be in and we'll be pretty isolated there to minimise the risk of either of us getting sick) so i'm not sure about updates. It might be more, might be less depending on my time and motivation. 
> 
> Stay safe everyone and if you have any ideas for any of the members spending time with little!Jeonghan or any other fics at general, don't hesitate to write me a comment!

When Jeonghan wakes up from the nap, Hansol is gone, but Seokmin is still there with him. The headache that had sent him off to dreamland is still present but, thankfully, milder. His throat feels like someone swabbed it with cotton.

He’s just about to extract himself from his tight grip on Seokmin when he realises that he … really does  _ not  _ wanna leave his room and risk meeting another member. While he loves them all to bits, he feels fragile and he doesn’t trust himself to not fall back into that hazy state if anyone tries to help him out (and judging by that he must have looked shitty this morning, there is no doubt  _ someone  _ will approach him). 

Seokmin feels okay though. Maybe if he asks nicely, Seokmin will stay with him for a bit. 

Jeonghan sighs and buries his face in Seokmin’s hair, breathing in the scent of the dorm’s shared shampoo. There’s something comforting about all of them using the same thing. It adds to the familiar feeling which he’s come to crave. It reminds him of safety and of peace and of—

No. Those are bad thoughts that send him into that space where everything seems easy. Those aren’t thoughts he’s not allowed to think as a hyung. It should be the  _ others _ having that feeling; that should be taken care of and looked out for.

“Hyung? Are you okay? Do you need more painkillers?”

He hadn’t noticed that Seokmin had woken up, nor that he was looking at him with concern.

“I don’t—” The words seem to get stuck in his throat, and in what the rational part of his brain deems to be very un-Jeonghan-like behaviour, he resorts to simply whining and pressing himself closer to Seokmin and clutching to his fingers, ring digging uncomfortably into his palm. 

“I’m sorry Seok-ah. You—“ He swallows, feeling a hot, salty tear trickle down his cheek. “I’m your hyung, and Hansollie’s hyung and yet you have to take care of me, I— I’m sorry.”

Seokmin coos at him and holds him closer and— Jeonghan’s confused. He’s not  _ used  _ to being taken care of. He’s always been Seventeen’s eomma and he knows the fans joke about it, but in some ways it’s  _ true _ . While perhaps he isn’t the first out of bed to wake everyone up, he’s usually one of the last ones going to bed, taking care to check that everyone’s okay and that the dishes have been done and that the bathroom has toilet paper, toothpaste and if necessary, towels. He’s always the one carrying bandaids on him and checking that their first-aid kit is filled up and the one to check that there’s sufficient amounts of snacks in the cupboard and enough Cola in the fridge and— 

“We can take care of you, hyung. You always do so much for us. Rest now. Recover. We’ll take care of you until you feel better,” Seokmin whispers. “Please, hyung, don’t worry about it, we’ll help you out. Is there anything you need?”

“Water,” Jeonghan croaks out, still too proud to admit that he is instead soaking Seokmin’s thin shirt with his tears. “Maybe food. Maybe— maybe more painkillers.” 

Maybe he should just appreciate not needing to have any responsible for once. First though, he  _ has  _ to make sure.

Just in case.

“Seokkie-ah? Are you absolutely sure that this is okay? That you— you know, are taking care of me, even if I’m your hyung?”

Seokmin grabs hold of his hands, holds them tight and safely and even this small gesture makes some part of Jeonghan curl up contentedly in Seokmin’s lap and cuddle him until the need for food drives him away. 

“Hyung,” he says, absolutely seriously. “Just because you’re older doesn’t mean you always have to take care of all of us. You’re human too, Jeonghan, don’t forget that. We’re a family. Think back to when you lived at home: did you care for your mom and help around the house when she didn’t feel well? That’s what we do here as well. We care for Joshua-hyung the same way we care for Minghao when one of them feel homesick. Channie’s anxiety isn’t treated any differently than Cheollie-hyung’s. We’re family. It’s okay to need help, Hannie-hyung.”

Jeonghan nods, feeling to choked up to answer. He tries to gain back possession of one of his hands to wipe the moisture gathering on his lashes away, but Seokmin beats him to it, gently moving his hands over Jeonghan’s closed eyes and pressing a kiss to his forehead when he’s done. 

“I’ll be right back with some food and painkillers for you. Is it okay if I get help from one of the others? They don’t have to come in here if you don’t want to, but I might need an extra pair of hands.”

“Please don’t let anyone in,” Jeonghan says, burrowing himself back under the blankets, hiding his face in the part of the pillow that Seokmin had been napping on. Now that he has permission to be weak and be looked after, it doesn’t seem like an unforgivable sin to do this anymore. The comfort is overwhelming, just how he needs it to be. He can process the bad thoughts later. First, he has to recover.

“Sleep until I’m back, hm, hyung? You look so sleepy, let me take care of you for a bit, okay?”

The blankets are pulled tighter around him and Jeonghan feels the gentle pressed of Seokmin’s chapped lips against his forehead again before the gentle pad of socked feet go off in the distance along with the gentle closing of his bedroom door.

  
  


* * *

“Hyung? I have some food here. Here, sit up and lean against me and I’ll feed you.”

Jeonghan feels fuzzy but obeys the voice, leaning against something warm and solid, obediently eating the rice placed against his lips. The state he’s in is comfortable, soft and safe. He feels cared for, feels loved. It’s like all his worries have completely dissipated with the small nap and the force of Seokmin’s attention devoted to making him feel better. 

But still— there’s something ugly at the back of his mind which he slowly comes to realise is a repeat of what Seungcheol had told him the night before:

_ “What’s wrong with you? Why won’t you just focus for once? We’re all tired, Jeonghan, so the faster you get your shit together and just do it right, the faster we can all rest! You’re not the only exhausted and hurting person here. For fuck’s sake, you’re the second oldest, so pull yourself together!” _

He almost chokes on the next spoonful of rice Seokmin tries to feed him and throws himself away from his dongsaeng. His mind feels like it’s been sent through one of those roller coasters that go upside down really fast. 

“Hyung?” Seokmin asks worriedly as Jeonghan clutches onto the blanket, trying to control his breathing. “Is everything okay, hyung? Did I feed you to quickly? Do you need me to hit your back?”

“N-no,” Jeonghan whispers, looking up through the suddenly forming tears in his eyes. “I’m sorry.”

“For what, hyung?” Seokmin’s so gentle about it. Jeonghan doesn’t  _ deserve  _ this gentleness.

“...What Cheollie said last night,” Jeonghan grits out, trying to seem unaffected. It doesn’t work. “Do you think what he said is the truth? That I was being selfish and dragging everyone else down?”

Seokmin gapes at him for what feels like eons. Jeonghan isn’t sure what to make of it. His heart, apparently, takes that as agreement as it sinks into his stomach and starts racing again.

_ He should get out. Go away. Ignore that they have four days off to recover and spend them in the practice room to make up for his mistakes.  _

“No! Hyung, no no no, I don’t agree with what he said for a second,  _ please calm down hyung, you’re going to make yourself pass out _ , you didn’t feel well and that’s okay. It’s completely alright to not be okay.”

The embrace comes as a bit of a shock— one his body welcomes and brain detests on principle because  _ he should be the one comforting others _ . 

“Hyung only said that because he was tired too and didn’t know how to control his filter properly. He was also worried about you because you had fallen so much. He just didn’t know how to explain it properly. Seungcheol-hyung didn’t mean a word of what he said, I promise.” 

He’s being rocked back and forth, eased back into that comfortable space he keeps trying to run from but which only seems to catch up to him.

“Once he and Jisoo-hyung put you to bed, they gathered all of us in the living room. He really felt guilty about it, you know. Cheollie-hyung  _ cried _ , Hannie-hyung, that’s how guilty he felt. Neither of them left you alone all night and when I checked in the middle of the night both of them were comforting you as you cried. Cheollie-hyung knows how much he hurt you and it’s hurting him too. He wants to apologise, but honestly, he’s terrified that you never want to talk to him again because of what he said.” 

Jeonghan shakes his head, determined to get his thoughts out before the fuzziness kicks back in in full force. “No— I. I was tired. I don’t know what happened. It felt like a football to the gut and then I was crying and then— I woke up on my bedroom floor cuddled in-between Jisoo and Seungcheol. Can you tell me what—?”

“They calmed you down as best they could and got you home. You fell asleep in the car and so Seungcheol carried you in, Jisoo-hyung changed you into pyjamas and they made a nest-like-thing on the floor so they could watch over you while you slept.”

Jeonghan nods. He’s gotten the explanation he needed, he’s said what he’s needed to say. “Can I— maybe have some more food?”

“Of course, hyung. Do you need any help?”

  
  


* * *

It takes a bit to get food and water into his hyung, but once Seokmin is satisfied that Jeonghan is asleep, hiding under his sheets and cuddling a spare pillow, he sneaks out of the room on the hunt for the two remaining oldest.

He finds them in the kitchen eating instant ramyeon, which only reminds Seokmin that he also has yet to eat. 

“Hey,” he greets, checking the cupboard for another pack of noodles so he can have some food too. “Jeonghan-hyung is sleeping.”

After pouring water into the kettle and flicking the switch he turns to look at his two exhausted hyung.

“He doesn’t hate you,” Seokmin says gently. “He doesn’t blame you for anything that was said. He told me himself. He’s equally as confused about his reaction, actually. Said it was like he lost control and is missing large parts of the event. All he remembers is the yelling, Jisoo hugging him and waking up this morning. Everything else— he just can’t recall it.”

“But he— didn’t hit his head,” Jisoo says, looking confused. “How come he doesn’t remember anything?”

Seokmin shrugs. “I have no clue. But he ate now and is sleeping pretty well. I’ll try to get him to talk to you, hyung, so that you can figure it out properly. But if you want my opinion on it, I don’t think there’s been any damage to your relationship at all. You have to keep in mind that both of you were not only exhausted, but he was hurting and you were worried about him. I know you’ve been for a while.”

He doesn’t say anything else as he pours the soup packet, vegetables and water, into the cup, placing his chopsticks on top of the lid to keep it secured. Then, he turns to them. “We’ve all been worried, hyung. There  _ is  _ something going on, but I’m not sure what yet.”

“Yeah,” Jisoo sighs. “We just have to keep looking, I think. Now come sit and eat with us. You could use the company.”

  
  


* * *

“Seokmin-ah,” Jeonghan says on the morning of their last day off. “I don’t think I’ve said it yet, but thank you. For staying with me these past few days. It must have been incredibly boring, but it helped.” He hugs Seokmin from behind. “You’re a good dongsaeng. Always so caring. Your presence really helped me work through some stuff. Hyung is thankful, okay?”

“Of course, hyung,” Seokmin says, hugging back. “I think you should talk to Seungcheol and Jisoo-hyung. They’ve been worried about you and I think you and Cheollie-hyung need to clear up this small misunderstanding. Just tell him what you told me and I’m sure it’ll all work out. You can move past this, I promise you can.”

“I will,” Jeonghan promises. “But first, I think we need to eat.”

He won’t lie to himself. The thought of leaving his sanctuary scares him more than it should. Apart from the occasional toilet or shower trip he’s been stuck in his bed for the better part of three days, working through the thoughts that have been plaguing his mind for the past few weeks— months? 

This confusion— this need and wish to be taken care of —an opportunity to let all the worries and responsibilities be unimportant just for a small while, just to let him recharge and recover.

He doesn’t understand it yet, but the time given to think has helped and allowed him to process everything. Everything doesn’t feel so overwhelming anymore and now his task of being a hyung and looking after the older members doesn’t seem like the cursed burden it had been only a week prior. 

Now Jeonghan feels  _ able  _ to do it without it feeding off his emergency resources. 

And a bonus: everyone else has been able to rest too. They’ve recovered as well and had time to think through their thoughts to make everything more manageable. They’ve had time to let the practice bruises fade and the joint aches go away. 

Even though they’d only had a few days off, it’s obvious that it’s been beneficial for all of them.

When he shows up in the kitchen, faces turn toward him and smile. It doesn’t feel nearly as awkward as Jeonghan had anticipated it to be. After all, the last time the majority of them had seen him, he’d been half-unconscious leaning on the couch arm rest with a headache so massive it had seemed like a war being fought between different parts of his brain.

The entire meal itself passes quietly. There’s some conversation, nothing that Jeonghan feels the need to partake in unless he’s directly asked a question. 

“Cheollie?” He says as their leader’s chopstick hits the bottom of the bowl, having scraped out all the remaining rice. “Can we talk?”

* * *

Seungcheol leads him into Jisoo’s room, turning toward him once he’s closed the door behind Jeonghan. “Look— I’m really really really really sorry about what happened.”

“I know,” Jeonghan interrupts him. “I know, Cheollie. Seokminnie explained it all to me. He said how you felt guilty at even staying with me that night because you were scared of me hating you. I don’t. Why would I? I was scared, sure, being yelled at would be scary, no matter who it was. I was tired that day, I was in a lot of pain from falling and— I’ve been feeling off for the past few weeks. I couldn’t concentrate and kept falling into the same thought pits. You were tired too, we’d been practicing for literal ages. You saw that even Soonyoung had lost his energy and wanted to go home, right? I understand. You were worried and tired and you didn’t know how to express it.”

He steps towards Seungcheol and wraps his arms around him. “I don’t blame you. I wasn’t in control of what was happening. I just felt like my head got thrown down into a dark pit of negative thoughts and the next thing I knew I woke up on my bedroom floor with you and Joshuji cuddling me and my head hurting and— and  _ I don’t blame you for anything Cheollie,  _ because I was just as tired and exhausted and confused about everything that happened as you! It’s okay, I forgive you. It’s okay.”

Seungcheol hugs him back, tight, one hand reaching up to card through the short hair at the back of his head. “Okay, okay. I trust you. I’m sorry. Thank you.”

They stay like that for a bit before Jeonghan pulls away. “I’m sorry if I worried you this past month. I’ve been working through some stuff that’s been confusing me and I didn’t know how to express it— I still don’t, but I’m getting closer to figuring it out, okay? You don’t have to worry about me.”

“You can always talk to me or Jisoo if you need help figuring something out,” Seungcheol says, reaching his hand up to Jeonghan’s head again to play with his hair. It’s calming. “Seriously, even if we can’t help, we’ll listen to you.”

It means a lot, Jeonghan thinks, to have something he can trust to come to. The weight that’s been pressing on his chest, threatening to choke him out the past half week, seems to be gone.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The semester just started for me and even the first week has been insanely busy. Here’s a bit of a longer chapter (still backstory— next chapter we’ll be back to the present day of this story) to compensate a little.
> 
> Because of the stress I haven’t really had time to think up new stuff, so if there’s anything you want me to write in particular, hmu in the comments!

They’re here for filming only— no concerts, only a ‘vacation’ so to speak —planned fun for the sake of content. Seungcheol had seen this as a perfect opportunity to talk to Jeonghan about that weird reclusive period. Therefore, when the company had told them how many rooms had been available and how many they catered to, Seungcheol had been the first to grab the pen and signed himself, Jisoo and Jeonghan up for the 3-person room. 

In a sick sense, Seungcheol hopes that maybe the reclusive Jeonghan will come out again during the trip and that he and Jisoo will then be able to quite literally grab the problem and shake it out. But then again—

He’d seen how much it had hurt not only Jeonghan to be in that state, but also the other members. Being practically one member down had never been easy to deal with, and would never be— as a family, when one piece is missing, the puzzle will never be fully complete. 

* * *

The first night had passed without a hitch— they'd gone to the nearby beach for some pictures and to dip their feet without the harsh summer sun beating down on them. Jeonghan had been withdrawn from Seunghceol and Jisoo, busy participating in the maknae line's antics of throwing sand and kicking water at each other. 

"It's nice to see him playing around with the others. I don’t like seeing him upset," Jisoo sighs, letting some sand run through his fingers down onto his bare feet. "He’s so playful he’s like a child sometimes, but when he’s down? It’s like he’s been through a war, or I don’t know, traumatised in some way.”

“That’s really dark Sh—”

"Jisoo-yah! Gotcha!" Jeonghan sprints past them, hands cupped and suddenly the back of Jisoo's shirt is wet with saltwater. He turns around to scold Jeonghan but he's already off like a bolt of lightning, teaming up with Chan to push Seungkwan into the water. 

Seungcheol snorts. "A child, indeed. One would think he's one of the oldest but," he waves. "As you see."

"Hey, at least he cooled me down a little," Jisoo says plainly, getting up and brushing the sand off his pants. "What he didn't consider though is  _ revenge _ ." 

_ Maybe I’m also a bit of a child in that regard _ , he thinks as he catches up with Seokmin.

"Hey, Minnie-yah, what do you think of dunking Jeonghannie? He's being so mean to the others, I think he needs to cool down a little~"

Seokmin grins and together they sneak up behind Jeonghan, who's successfully managed to dunk  _ both  _ Seungkwan and Chan, apparently having turned on their alliance once Seungkwan had hit the water and sputtered out curses at them. 

"Hannie-yah," Jisoo trills, grabbing onto him and wrestling him into the water. The scream Jeonghan lets out is muffled by the splash and Jisoo grins, pulling him far enough to whisper, "Revenge," in Jeonghan's ear before he's off in the opposite direction, towards where the '96 line is teasing Seungcheol for being an old dad more content with watching his kids rather than participate in the games. 

* * *

"Have I told you that I actually hate you?" Jisoo calls out to the main room from where he’s standing fully dressed under the hotel room shower, letting the water wash away the sand stuck seemingly  _ everywhere _ . "Ambushing someone from behind, holding them down and rubbing as much sand onto them as possible isn't fair play, Jeonghan. I'm gonna find sand in my hair for  _ weeks _ ."

"He's just grinning," Seungcheol informs him through the open door. "I think he's proud of his evil deeds."

Jisoo grumbles and scrapes his nails over his scalp, trying to dislodge some more of the sand. "He's a devil, of course he's proud. I'd ask him to bring me a change of clothes but I really don't trust him. Cheollie, mind bringing me clean clothes since a  _ certain someone _ absolutely wrecked these with water and sand? Please also whack Hannie over the head on your way."

The following smack and 'hey!' tells Jisoo all he needs to know and as his change of clothes are placed on the toilet, he starts stripping off his soaked clothes to take a proper shower.

* * *

Jeonghan’s seemingly never-ending hyperactive energy carries on through the second day and while Seungcheol himself is exhausted from trying to keep track of all of them, the smiles of relief on his members’ faces is all he needs to carry on. They go to an amusement park and split up into groups of three and four, agreeing to meet up at one of the park restaurants for lunch.

The park luckily isn’t bursting with people, considering both that it’s a Wednesday and also cloudy.

Jisoo sighs, watching the other groups splitting off from them. He slightly envies them from escaping from Jeonghan's sudden manic energy levels, but then again— he'd prayed for this to happen. Anything that wasn't a sad, depressed, virtually dead to the world Jeonghan was one he would cherish.

"Come on Shua I wanna go do this! Let's go!" Jeonghan calls out, grabbing both of them by their hands and dragging them along. Seungcheol, who is holding their GoPro, splutters and almost drops it before grasping onto the selfie stick properly. 

"Jeonghan-ah!" Seungcheol calls out, laughing a little. "We have time. Calm down, nothing's gonna run away from you. We can walk a little slower and film."

"But I wanna—”

"Hannie," Jisoo says seriously, forcing them to a stop. He lets go of Seungcheol to grab Jeonghan’s biceps and hold him still. There’s a wild fire-like glint in Jeonghan’s eyes; one Jisoo recognises. It’s the panicky, wild expression Jihoon gets whenever he’s been producing for days and worrying over the quality of the tracks. "It's okay. We can take this slow. There's no need to rush. The fun won't run away from us. We can take our time. You don't have to act out just because we have a camera with us. It's okay."

Something in Jeonghan's eyes softens and he nods a little, leaning forward to give Jisoo a hug. "'Kay."

Jisoo— hadn't expected it to be that easy. Jeonghan isn't one to go down without a fight, and certainly hasn't been told to calm down a lot in his life. Maybe—

He shrugs and shakes the thought off. Maybe this is just another step in Jeonghan's journey to work through some emotions properly. Something similar to the seven stages of grief, but like— seven stages of  _ what the hell is going on _ , instead.

"That was weird," Seungcheol mutters in his ear. "The moment you got firm-ish with him and reassured him, he listened and calmed down completely."

"Yeah," Jisoo mumbles back. "I think— tonight is the night we should talk about this freaky rollercoaster of emotions he's been through the past few months. I'm getting a little tired of worrying about him. Talking has always worked in the past."

* * *

Talking is not gonna work. 

Throughout the day, while they had been having fun, Jisoo had watched Jeonghan’s energy slowly decline. In the beginning they had treated it like any other time Jeonghan usually got dizzy; making sure he had enough to drink and also ate something with sugar in it. 

It seemed to have worked in the beginning, but throughout the day Jeonghan had gotten drowsier and drowsier, mainly speaking and acting when having the camera trained on him. 

On the ride back to the hotel, he’d promptly fallen asleep on Jisoo’s shoulder, grabbing onto his thumb like it might run away if left unattended. 

They hadn’t bothered to wake him up when arriving at the hotel, Seungcheol having decided to just carry him until they could get him into bed.

“He must really be exhausted,” Jisoo says as he tries to remove Jeonghan’s flannel without shaking him awake. “He was so energetic this morning. Do you think it was all an act on his part? Like for the camera, or in front of us to make us stop worrying?”

“Whatever it was, it didn’t really work,” Seungcheol says softly, untying the laces on his shoes to remove them. “He’s so easily exhausted, poor Jeonghannie. Seems like we won’t be able to talk to him either. I don’t think it would benefit any of us if we wake him up now either. He didn’t sleep much the past few nights?”

“Didn’t he?” Jisoo says, surprised. “I mean, I was asleep but—”

“Jeonghan needs absolute dark and quiet to sleep, but he spent all of last night with his headphones in and phone screen on as dim as possible, probably watching a video or something. I woke up a few times when he just left the room. I have no idea where he went, but he always returned before I dozed off again.”

“We’re not allowed to go out at night. He knows that.”

“I know.”

“We really gotta talk. I’m really really worried.”

Seungcheol sighs and stretches, his spine making a series of tense cracks. “I’m gonna head downstairs to grab some snacks from the vending machine for Jeonghan when he wakes up. He barely ate anything while he was out.”

Jisoo nods, placing Jeonghan’s shoes by the door next to his. “I’ll stay here. I don’t think so, but what if he’s actually ill? It might be better if someone’s with him.”

“Sure,” Seungcheol agrees, then: “Is there anything you want?”

With a shake of his head, Seungcheol turns and leaves him alone with their sleeping angel. 

“What are we gonna do with you, hm, Hannie? Cheollie and I only wanna know what’s going on in that messy, messy head of yours.” He cuddles close to Jeonghan and tries to not make a surprised noise when Jeonghan turns around to face him, mush his face into Jisoo’s chest and make a disgruntled noise before slipping back into a deep sleep.

“You’re so cute. So sweet. Let’s hope you cheer up soon, angel,” Jisoo whispers into Jeonghan’s hair, the words leaving his lips like a prayer. “Please, please, please tell us how we can help you.”

* * *

The third night is nothing less than a shitshow. 

Jisoo wakes up to someone shaking him intently, calling out his name and telling him to get up.

“Mwhuh?” He gets out intelligently, opening his eyes to be faced with Seungcheol’s worried expression. “It’s the middle of the— what’s that  _ sound _ ?”

“I woke up to Jeonghan stumbling into my bed, knocking his knees on the frame and trying to stay on his legs by grabbing onto my blanket before falling. He’s crying on the floor and I— something is really wrong, Shula. I’ve never seen him anything close to this.”

Seungcheol takes a deep breath. “I mean, one thing is the moodswings but this is literally like that time in the practice room. He’s gone into some deep dark cave in his mind and he’s muttering unintelligible stuff between sobs and—“

“Eomma!”

“That.”

Jisoo’s out of bed in an instant, blankets fluttering around him. He kneels in front of Jeonghan, frowns when he sees a completely unfamiliar bunny plushie in his clutches but doesn’t think much of it.

“Hannie-yah, what’s wrong? What’s wrong, darling?” Jisoo mutters into his ear, rocking Jeonghan back and forth. This is— pretty damn weird and it’s the middle of the night and he’d really like to do nothing more than to slip back under the covers and sleep. 

“I h-had a n-nightmare and it was scary! It was r-really scary. I want my eo-eomma!”

Jisoo quickly shushes him because if there’s anything they  _ don’t  _ need at the moment, it’s some of their members or hotel staff knocking on their seeing door wondering what the hell is going on and why a fully grown man is sobbing calling out for their mom. “Shh, darling, it’s okay. You’re safe. We can talk to your eomma in the morning, okay?”

That doesn’t seem to calm Jeonghan down in the slightest. Fuck.

Then—

“She asked me and Cheollie specially to look after you since she wanted you to be safe and happy. So we’ll take care of you now and then I promise you that we can talk to your mom in the morning. She’s sleeping now you know, and we aren’t.”

“M‘Kay,” Jeonghan hiccups, still with tears streaming down his face. “‘M scared. Don’t want the nightmare to come back.”

Jisoo coos at him. “Aww, it won’t, sweetheart. Don’t worry, hm? I bet the floor isn’t too comfy, though. Do you want some help to move to the bed? You can hold your bunny to make sure it stays safe.”

With some combined power they get him off the floor and into bed. Jisoo’s super confused. Not only is this vastly different to anything stress-like he’s dealt with before but Jeonghan reminds him suspiciously much of how it had been babysitting his younger cousins before moving to Korea. 

“Cheollie? Can you hand me my phone? I need to check something,” Jisoo holding out his hand without taking his eyes away from Jeonghan. The plushie seems to have caught his interest and for a split-second Jisoo is very relived that it’s a plushie and not an animal: the way Jeonghan is twisting and pulling at those ears looks  _ painful _ . 

He has a nagging feeling of what this might be— something akin to what he’d come across on YouTube a few years back. A video about a couple where the woman acted younger and the man acted as her—

“Hannie-darling? Can I ask you something?” Jisoo asks quietly, gently trying to pry Jeonghan’s attention away from tying the bunny ears together. “Can you tell me how old you are?”

“Jisoo, what are you doing?” Seungcheol mutters. “You’re the same age as him. Why would you ask? It’s not like he hit his head or anything.”

“Shh, give me a moment,” Jisoo says, watching for any indication of Jeonghan answering his question. There’s a moment of silence before— 

“Three,” Jeonghan mutters, suckling on his knuckle.

“But—” Seungcheol starts. “That’s—”

“Shh, you,” Jisoo hisses. “I’ll explain in a second. Just distract him with some cat videos or something while I do some research. Something sweet, happy and child-friendly. Imagine you’re baby-sitting a family friend’s kid or something.”

He starts off with a simple google search (on incognito mode):  _ mental age doesn’t match actual age anxiety _ . 

The results are about as unfitting as he’d expected: some stuff about mental age from bbc future, a wikipedia article and some psychology thing that is absolutely not what he’d been after.

Second try:  _ lower age headspace because of anxiety _ . Closer, but still not what he’d been after. Though the focus on mental health that the results had given was way closer than what the psychology test was on about. 

A last desperate attempt before literally trying to contact anyone else for answers:  _ non-sexual age kink _ . 

_ Finally _ , some results giving some answers close to what he’d been trying to find. The second top result— a wikipedia article —tells him all he really needs to know. It’s obvious to him that this article focuses on the kink part of it— people getting off on acting like a child during sex and being infantilised —which isn’t really relevant to him at all right now. There’s one line to captures his attention, however:  _ Age play can sexual or non-sexual, it all depends on what people agree to within their relationship _ . 

“Got it,” Jisoo says, turning off his phone after reading a tiny bit more, going as far as clicking a reddit link to skim through the answers. “I know what’s up.”

“Oh please, do tell,” Seungcheol mutters, apparently resigned to Jeonghan playing with his fingers. 

Cute.

“Okay so,” Jisoo starts. “Basically, we know Hannie’s been stressed for a while. Similarly to that day in the practice room, it’s boiled over and his mind has resorted to dealing with the stress in a ‘safe’ way that won’t hurt him— sort of like the body passing out to reset. Jeonghan’s brain’s way of dealing with that seems to basically take the mindset of a younger child— since they have like less worries and all that. That’s why he’s acting like this right now. To help him we just gotta baby him for a bit and help him calm down enough until he falls back asleep and we talk about it in the morning.”

Seungcheol blinks dumbly at him— looking quite similar to a baby cow in many ways, all pouty and sleepy with pretty eyes and—  _ anyways. _

_ “ _ O-kay,” Seungcheol says slowly. “I guess? If that’s— sure. I trust you. Can you— show how to do it?”

Jisoo lets out an awkward laugh. Truth be told, he has absolutely no idea what he’s doing and the the fear that he could do this  _ wrong  _ and accidnetally mess Jeonghan up forever is more than present in the back of his mind. 

But this isn’t about him. This is about their precious angel. 

“Hey Hannie,” he coos, grabbing his hand like he would do with a child. “That’s a real cute bunnyrabbit you got there. Wanna tell me the name of it?”

Jeonghan stares at him. “‘s Jiji,” he mutters around the thumb in his mouth. “Bought Jiji one day when I was feelin’ weird. The nice lady in the store said they were really popular with small kids because they were so soft so I got one. It’s  _ real  _ soft. Touch!” 

Jisoo does as told and pets the bunny’s stomach. It’s  _ really  _ soft. “Can Cheollie touch as well? I’m sure he’d really like to pet Jiji as well since it’s so nice.”

Jeonghan hesitantly hands Jiji over to Seungcheol and with a pointed look from Jisoo he obediently pets the bunny and praises Jeonghan on how nice the bunny is and how well he takes care of it. 

It’s cute and all but it’s still the middle of the night and Jisoo feels too exhausted to deal with this properly. Besides— now that Jeonghan seems to have noticed that he’s safe, his eyes are starting to droop in the way they usually do before he falls asleep in the dressing room at a music show.

“Hannie-yah?” Jisoo says softly, petting the top of Jeonghan’s hand to get the attention on him. “Are you sleepy, baby? Your eyes are looking all droopy. Does cuddling me and Cheollie under the soft blankets sound good? Then you’ll be all nice and protected and we’ll make sure the nightmare won’t dare to come back!”

“Kay,” Jeonghan mutters. “Jiji gotta stay.”

“Of course Jiji can stay, sweetheart. He’ll protect you as well!”

Putting Jeonghan back to bed and cooing at him until he falls asleep is an easy affair, with Jeonghan’s breathing slowing and evening within ten minutes. He’s still cuddled up close to his plushie and holding it tightly around the ears.

“Shua, what— I’m so confused, what in the world is going on with him?” Seungcheol mumbles. “Acting like a child? He has a plushie that came with him on the trip? Going from being super hyper to being dead to the world in minutes? What in the world is going on with him?”

Jisoo sighs and cuddles up to Seungcheol. “I don’t have a clue. But he’s stressed and copes like this. I don’t see it hurting anyone and as long as we communicate properly it should be fine. You— don’t have anything against it, do you?”

“‘Course not, if it’s what he needs then— then we research and figure out how to help him.”

Jisoo yawns. “Tomorrow. Now, we sleep.”

**Author's Note:**

> Did I mention that I take requests? lmao I'm sorry.
> 
> I have no friends in this fandom I'm big lonely so here's my Tumblr (though I'm not painfully active I can always be reached through DM or my inbox): vampiricalthorns
> 
> Stay safe and wash your hands properly!


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